TheForest.Diaryland.Com

"So (so), So (so), So (so), So faithful!"

2006-07-21 - 4:54 p.m.

So I was "informed" the other night that D might actually be a little on the bi side. Bi, not as in bipolar. Bi as in bisexual.

That is quite the shock for me. Really it is.

But, in hindsight, I guess I had a couple, well, blatant examples of that part of her.

Most notably, that homegirl's fingers were very very near my "area" last Friday night until I very seriously swatted them away. I chalked it up to her being extremely wasted (had to be put out the back of the club by security). Nevertheless, they say that liquor is a truth serum. I've excused a few bi girls of their mischevious behavior toward me when they were drunk but that little episode right there? Had me VERY uncomfortable.

I mean, I was even thinking about it the next day like, "What is REALLY up with D?" but, like Vita said, it was so far from my mind that I wouldn't accept it even if it came from D's own mouth, probably. But after I heard about what went down a couple weeks ago, right under my nose, no less, I can't be blind to it anymore.

Like I said, I've had some blatant examples come outta D. But we've talked about lesbians and, not necessarily bad feelings towards them, but basically just that that situation is not gon' go down on this side of town - AT ALL. And then to learn how she was behaving? Towards Miss Pooh, no less?!

Crazy.

It's just a shock, for real, 'cause I've "known" this chick for 7 years now. 7 years. And I've never truly had the FULL impression that it could possibly be that she is bi. Never. Granted, I've always felt that she is a little possessive of me. And it's not only myself that has thought that. Others have point blank said it to me. Like, "Yo, ya homegirl seem like she can't live without you." But I just brushed it off.

I really feel sad for her if she calls herself having feelings for me. 'Cause I'm sorry but ain't nothin' like that di*k. Nothing. Not for me, anyway. I need it. I love it. I want it. Got to have it. Nothing else will do.

But more than anything, I feel bad for Miss Pooh 'cause she was basically assaulted by D, which is crazy 'cause we were all in the same place but I was just so focused on putting one foot in front of the other that night, I was blind to everything that was going on around me. Especially the times where the two of them went missing. I had no clue.

It's just crazy. Really has me in shock right now. Not questioning my own sexuality, thank goodness. Just wondering how I could be so oblivious to something like that.

I truly believe I lost a lot of my awareness between middle school and college. I feel like I left college as blind as ever. Like, I don't know what be goin' on half the time. LOL. It's crazy!

But for real though. I feel like Maxine on that episode of Living Single when she found out her ex-best friend/roommate was secretly gay the whole time they lived together. The girl was just in love with Maxine and she didn't know. I remember watching that episode like, "How could she not know?! She lived with the girl!". LOL. Look at who looks like Boo-Boo the Fool now...

Then, at the same time, I'm being confronted about my "feelings" for Tito. What I thought he and I were hiding from everybody, including our ownselves, it turns out that everybody noticed. LOL. Plans were being made all behind our backs and neither of us knew. Ain't that some mess?!?! LOL. Now here it is, weeks later, and our futures are being detailed to me ('cause remember, he's engaged, so can't nobody say it to him). His sister and her friends tryin' to make something go down this weekend where his fiancee and he will no longer be fiancees to each other, damn-near moving me in with him and everything. LOL. I tell ya, I might just stay my butt home. LOL.

It's all too much right now. Really, it is. Truly, the D thing has my mind rolling. I really need to get to the bottom of it all but she just KNOWS I don't know. And it's funny 'cause Miss Pooh and Vita just KNEW I did! Alls I know is that was the LAST thing I ever thought I would hear. For real.

But it all makes sense, down to the late-night texts about meeting in 10 minutes. And I knew it seemed odd that D would not go to The Mynt with the rest of the group. She just outright refused for NO apparent reason. I KNEW something wasn't right. I just brushed it off 'cause why would I ever imagine it was what it was?

Crazy, man.

Anyway, I gotta testify. The Lord was showing me CRAZY favor ALL this past weekend. For real. It's just so surreal, I can't even fully swallow it all. And it wasn't monetary (like winning the lotto or getting an inheritance), no, I didn't meet the man of my dreams (although Miss E and Dee happen to think it's Tito), I didn't have some earth-shattering epiphany.

All I know is the Lord was talkin'-talkin'-talkin'-talkin' to me. And I heard him every time. Even when I couldn't believe it, it was so clear, I was listening to him. Even when I did the total opposite of what he was tryin' to have me do, I knew he was tryin' to keep me away. Tryin' his HARDEST. And I may suffer greatly because of it but I'm comforted (as crazy as it may sound) by the fact that he was up there TRYING to get me to not do what I did.

I really really really really really need to let the theatre go but I feel so guilty about it. Thankfully though, I saw Joel Osteen's message Sunday morning about guilt. He was saying that one basically has to look out for oneself in most things. He wasn't saying to be a selfish person. He was saying to not let others be selfish when it comes to you. Don't let them take and take and take. That's not right. And that's what I always do. Let folk take advantage of me.

I'm ready to put guilt to the side and get down to living my life. I'ma start being like, "No, I don't really feel like it." No "Sorry" at the end, either. Just plain old "No." And keep stepping. Anybody whose feelings are hurt will just have to learn to deal with those hurt feelings. 'Cause I can't be bothered.

So Ra.heem De.vaughn is gonna be right here in Miami tonight. I really wish I had somebody that was into the same stuff I am at times like these. I'm the only one out of my crew that listens to the man. The only one who knows anything about him. So, I'd be the only one interested in going. And the only reason I don't wanna go by myself is because I'm gonna be in the same vicinity as my damn ex-boss and I need some support to do that.

Not that I'm afraid of him. Just that it's not comfortable seeing somebody you don't like and then not having anybody to turn to and have them distract you from the situation. Not at all. Especially having experienced his "stalker" tendencies... Yeah, I would need some support on that one right there.

I wish Tae lived down here. Things would be so much different. But she doesn't. So, they are what they are.

Funny: I'm sitting at my desk and, after a few other phone conversations regarding the above situation the Lord tried to keep me from but I went on ahead and did it, my cell is ringing with a number I don't recognize. I didn't answer it thinking it was still related to said issue.

A little while later, the same number pops up on my phone. I'm like, "well dang, must be serious, let me call the number back". So I call the number back. It's a dude. And the voice sounds very familiar.

Yep. Just-Plain-Young is calling, a year later. Now, I had told this fool I was getting married just to get him off my damn back and out my life. He was fun to hang with (the head game was on point! Bad Girl Me, I know.). But I didn't see anything happening with him. Too young, too comfortable with having much of nothing, too clingy. Truly, too clingy. I knew I had to let him go but I didn't want to hurt his feelings...

I don't know how I meet these people. LOL.

So I rushed him off the phone saying I would call him later, which I did kinda plan to do. But I didn't. So at the end of the night, guess who's ringing my phone again? Mmmmhmmm. I decided to answer just so I could have a peaceful uninterrupted sleep.

This fool on the phone with VIVID memories of the words that came out of my mouth in regards to us not hanging out no mo'. Tellin' me how hurt he was about it (the boy actually sounded like he was about to cry when I talked to him last).

I feel bad 'cause while he was talkin', I actually had to cover my mouth to not let the laughter escape. I know, I know. There was nothing else I could do though!

I do believe I thought him up. 'Cause the other day, I was sitting thinking about the aforementioned "head game". I allowed myself to sit back and just revel in that event in my mind. Out the blue. Never thought about it any other time. I guess I was enjoying it a little too much 'cause here he go callin', skewing my memories. Nigga told me, "I guess it's for the best you ain't never give me none (as in no p*s*y). I really believe that if you did, the whole situation woulda been harder to deal with."

Man, I am SUCH the Solo Bitch. These niggas just can't get it through their heads that I don't want much to do with them. It's all about the d*ck. I don't know what to do with the rest of a man. Anytime one mentions feelings or a committment, I really and truly FREEZE UP. Just 'cause I'm not mentally capable of handling that side of it. The physical? I got that down pat. Anything more than that? I just can't deal with it. Don't want to deal with either.

But I can't seem to get that through their thick skulls.

I was SO stressed out last night. Oh my goodness! Just STRESSED out. The kind of stressed where all I could do was look up. I couldn't scream, couldn't cry, couldn't shake, couldn't hardly breathe. All I could do was look up.

I am out of the theatre. They will be receiving my letter of resignation next week. Period. I'll give them 'till the end of August. After that, I'ma be like "Sayonara!". I just can't take it anymore.

I don't quite know what's up for this weekend. At all. LOL. Too much could possibly happen.

Tonight, Vita wants to hang, as she's leaving to go back to PA soon. She wants to go to Op.ium. I haven't been there since Mykel last year. That was fun. Very irresponsible on my part, but fun nonetheless. I don't need to do that again though. I had the experience. Moving on.

But yeah. I haven't been there in a year at this point. I'm almost not in the mood to go out, but then again, I don't want to turn her down. Especially when she's anxious to go. So there I go, doing something I don't want to do for the benefit of somebody else. But I don't mind. It's been raining like crazy today so it might not even go down anyway.

What I really want to do is go chill with David. Smoke suhn-in. Straight chill. But then again, maybe Vita's pulling me away from that situation unknowingly, but as part of the plan.

'Cause I know it took everything in me to fight and keep myself from calling him last night! Everything.

Tomorrow, if Tae doesn't come down to the M-I, I guess I'll spend the day cleaning my car and making potato salad. I've been trying to shampoo my car for what seems like years now. I wanna do the seats, the rug, all that. Get that car smellin' decent again. It can happen. :)

I would like to see if I can stop by somewhere and get me some clothes to wear tomorrow night. That would be nice. But again, who the hell knows?

Sunday, I'm tryin' to hit up the Mar.lin on the Beach. This dude W. Ell is supposed to be performing. I don't care about him so much as I believe Ra.heem De.vaughn is gon' be there too and I luveth me some Ra.heem! I think I can rally the troops. We'll see. Hope it's free. I'm surely tired of spending money.

Well, I'm gone. This was a week's worth of writing in here and there. LOL.

the last - the next

The Trees Today - The Trees I've Seent. - Diaryland.


The Last 5 Trees
"Until the end of time, I'll be there for you. You are my heart and mind. I truly adore you." - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2016
"Don't touch what's there...when it's the feelings I wear..." - Saturday, Oct. 08, 2016
"I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter his courts with praise." - Friday, Oct. 07, 2016
"I tried to run it away. Thought then my head'd be feeling clearer...." - Tuesday, Oct. 04, 2016
"Boy, your money and my money? Ain't the same damn kind. I can live your life and my life AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!" - Sunday, Oct. 02, 2016