2006-06-20 - 4:06 p.m.

Okay. So the Lord was speaking with a BOOMING voice in terms of my car. How 'bout I get home, ready to try another test, and before I can open the door to get out of the car, everything is in working order again. Yeah. Like that.

I just love when the Lord speaks to me. No matter how crazy the situation might drive me, I like to know that we're still on speaking terms.

Guess who's going to Costa Rica tomorrow!

Yep, that's me! LOL.

I plan on doing everything I can legally do while I'm there. The folks I'm goin' with are so clean-cut, I couldn't do anything illegal if I wanted to anyway. But I will try to get a drink before we get on the plane. One for the road. We'll see.

But yeah. I'm tryin' to do whatever my body is up to doing. Handgliding, parasailing, jet skiing (even though I don't know how to damn swim!). Whatever. I truly am not afraid of much in terms of activities. I mean, I'm sure I'll get nervous when it comes to water activities but everything else? It's whatever!

I remember I participated in this "team-buildling" workshop my last year of college. It was not something that black people participate in - AT ALL. But I did it. I needed that challenge.

One of the activities had us waaaaayyyyy up in the air, crossing a wooden log with no support. There was only a net to catch us if we fell. It was so strange to me that I was not afraid. Some of the other participants, taller and skinnier than me, were PETRIFIED. I mean FROZEN with fear. I can't even laugh at them because their fear was so real.

Me? I ain't gon' lie, I was shaking. It was a BRAND NEW experience for me. But I was not afraid. At one point, their fear-filled breaths were trying to enter my lungs but I just focused on the task at hand and did it. Periot!

I remember feeling SO GREAT about myself after that exercise. Even looking forward to the next time I'd be able to have that experience.

So whatever wild and crazy activity in which I can be involved in Costa Rica, best believe it's going down!

I SO need to go shopping for this damn trip. There's gonna be heat, rain and mosquitoes and I AIN'T READY for none of 'em.

I just don't feel like goin' shoppin' and gettin' into the whole "nothing fits!" funk. But I do need some comfortable pants/capris and a hat and some mosquitoe repellent and a couple books to read on the plane and the bus (we doin' it like the natives - LOL!), etc. So I'ma need to be out there and shopping. I'm thinking I might hold off on that for tomorrow after I get off work but I will be cutting it oh-so-close (as usual).

I'll see. All of a sudden, I want to go chill at this poetry spot (I need a fix. I'll get to that in a second.) and watch what I hope is the last game of this NBA finals. Nat is supposed to be braiding up my hair at 7:30pm and the spot is supposed to start at 8:30pm. I need to go by the theatre and return some calls after work. We'll see how it all works out.

But back to my need for a fix.

"I met him when I was a, a little girl he gave, he gave me poetry. He was my first." ("Love of My Life", Erykah Badu ft. Common)

Before my last job (with the crazy ex-boss), I was HEAVY into the poetry scene. I take that back. I wasn't into the "poetry scene" that has come into existence. I was a fan of poetry. Period.

I remember being a little girl, coming across poems my mother had written. She kept getting them published in the local Black newspaper. I bet she doesn't even have a copy of one issue of that paper with her poetry in it. But I remember. So I've always loved poetry.

Which is why I love music the way I do. Any kind. A line in a song catches me and I'm done. Just take me off the grill!

So yeah, at one point, I was all caught up in everybody's words. Like, totally. LOL. But then things started getting too "scene"y. Too clubbish. People tryin' to look like they should star in somebody's video just to get admitted "upstairs" to the "Poetry Room". Niggas (yes, niggas) paying $250 for a bottle just to have a "table" in the "Poetry Room". Really, is it that serious?

The "poetry" became more performance than meaning anything so I lost interest - in going to those events, not in the art itself. Can't really think of a place to just go and hear the words anymore. Everywhere has been overrun.

But Real (from waaaay back) hosts a spot out of this lil' cafe he owns. When I had my Valentine's Day Soiree back in '04, we ended the night there. It was real homey. Rustic, almost. LOL. I really enjoyed it but I was tired and we'd been drinking. The rest of the folks I was with were so used to "the scene", they weren't really feeling it. But I liked it. It's stayed at the back of my mind since then.

I guess it doesn't help that I have to pass his place most of the times I leave my job at the theatre. My eye always goes sideways, tryna catch a glimpse of him standing outside smokin' a cigarette or somethin'. When I wasn't lookin' for him, I saw him. Now that I can't help but look out of habit, I never see him.

But yeah, he's having something there tonight. "Speed Dating with a Poetry Twist". I'm not up for the whole "Speed Dating" thing but I would like to sit and watch the game while it's on with other folks who are enjoying it. I just hope the place hasn't picked up the pretention. If so, I guess I'll head right back out the door and just finish up some more stuff at the theatre before I head home for the night.

We'll see.

I still laugh at myself about the situation between he and I, for whatever it was. For whatever I wanted it to be and whatever he was thinking. I laugh about it. It's funny to me.

I was so damn-near infatuated with his ass, even though he didn't know. Really, he didn't. Now that I know how Virgos operate though, I recognize the games he was trying to play. I really didn't recognize them back them. But now I see how he tried to play. Guess he figured out I was oblivious to the shenanigans. Not falling prey. I don't have time for that foolishness. I just don't.

I just keep laughing too about G.O. I love that "Young Buck" nickname I gave him. LOL. He called me AGAIN the other night. I answered the phone 'cause I didn't recognize the number. It was him. Asking how I was doing. Feeling me out, basically. I don't know why that boy can't let go. I saw him all of two times. I didn't realize that before. But it was only those two times.

Three, if I count when I saw him in the club that night. LOL.

I don't know what his problem is. I've been the most honest with him than I've been with most other dudes, as far as letting him know he won't get a chance with me again. Period. That he's too young for me. That he should not feel to need to lie to me about anything, I don't need him provin' nothin' to me.

I am not eggin' the boy on at all. He's tall and cute and fly. I want him to get him a young girl and be happy. Leave this "old" lady alone. LOL. Stop calling me! LOL.

But then I think about the elements I would take from him and add to my sketch of my perfect man...

In allllll my fantasies (not that many anymore, but in the past?! PLENTY. LOL!), one of the only things my fantasy man has to do is touch my back a certain way. My back is a real sensitive area in general, but I've always imagined one specific caress being the most pleasant.

And DAMN if that little boy did not touch me in that exact way. Kinda like dragged his fingers down the center of my back. But I can't really describe the touch in a way that could convey the total feeling. But that little boy did it to me!

I couldn't believe it. In a moment where it wasn't even about that really. He did it. Perfectly. I'm talkin' 'bout to the T. It was crazy for me. Seriously. I let out the lowest and longest sigh in my recent memory. LOL. For real. It was like a piece of nirvana. Man! He had my mind goin' nuts! I was like, is this for real right now?!

Also, we fell asleep (me before him) and when I woke up the next morning, we were lying face to face. There's just something about that face-to-face sleep for me. Like, face to face. I mean I like spooning and all but face to face in comfort is just... I just love it.

And if that one situation hadn't gone down the way it did, I'd probably still be getting my back caressed like that right now. And he was such a sweetheart. He just was not ready for me. Period. He wasn't ready for a grown woman. Especially this one right here.

So, for that reason, I had to leave him alone. But let yung'n have been a few years older and more aware of himself.

Problems in the streets! LOL.

I'm reminiscing now because I truly don't have a focus on anyone. I'm just totally disinterested right now. So my mind is depending on those old memories to keep me sane and in my own bed. LOL.

Okay, okay. Let me get my mind back to my trip! LOL.

Time for me "get ready before the train plane comes". LOL.

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