2006-06-19 - 4:52 p.m.

So my trip was niiiiicccceeee. I had SO MUCH FUN with my cousins. I love dem folk.

But I gotta talk about my damn Honda. SHOWED OUT! I was SO upset.

So I get off work and rush home, 'cause plans changed at the last minute as far as how we were leaving and then I got off later than I was supposed to, pushing us further behind in our leaving time.

Get in my car, drive home with the windows down 'cause I was hyped and it wasn't overbearingly hot. Got home, did all this rushing around to get the car cleaned out, change, use the potty, get my luggage in, etc. It seemed that in the 15 minutes it took me to do all of that, the sun decided to blaze about 10 degrees hotter than it had been. I was sweating, Virginia (yay!!!) had my back hurting REAL BAD... Ugh!

So I get in the car, wave goodbye to my stepdaddy and pull off. Immediately, I notice that the brake light has come on. I'm thinking, "Grrrreeeaaaatttt.....". Because of the heat and me sweating, I decide to turn on the air conditioner. I put it all the way up. It's on full blast.

NO COLD AIR COMING OUT!

WHAT THE >IFAKDOJgHJIGH)($#%&(@@?!?!?!?!?! TALK ABOUT UPSET!!!!!!

I started going BALLISTIC! I could not believe that my car was trying to show out on me like that. Couple that with Virginia and the fact that the uncle from Texas I was trying to see to say goodbye to had left where I was supposed to meet him and my cousins?! I WAS PISSED!

Once I got to my aunt's house to pick up my cousins, I realized that other electrical elements on my car were not working either. I couldn't do nothin' but leave my baby behind. I was so SMAD (Sad and Mad)! I didn't even want to still go 'cause I just knew that whole scenario was a sign.

But the Lord was just sayin', "I don't want you to take your car on the road 'cause somethin' might happen.", 'cause in my cousin's car, we got there, had the time of our lives and came home safe. Mind not have been the same story in the Honda. So, it's all good.

I just won't have time to even have it looked at until next week. So I have to drive around in the HEAT (oh my goodness!) until then. I'm goin' to Costa Rica Wednesday though so that's only two more days. I don't think it'll completely kill me. Virginia is just about over so my body can go back to being cold all the time. That should help balance out all that damn heat.

But back to my trip. We had a good time, my cousins and I. Spent a lot of time together. LAUGHED a lot. Left Sitty behind...

I'm praying that this is good for her. She needs to just be away in a different environment, around different people... And also, it's good for her sister, NayNay, because she has to face what she's been avoiding by being away. I hope NayNay gets Sitty the help she needs. It's time for her to start living a "normal" life.

On the way up, I wanted to sleep but I couldn't. I was tired but I didn't have a pillow. Had I had a pillow, I would've been knocked out. But I wasn't bored out of my mind what with Shon-Ra throwing up everywhere and my music collection.

Thank goodness on the way back, I had a book from NayNay. E. Jerome Dickey's "Naughty or Nice". Man, I miss reading those good romance novels. It's funny 'cause I turned so many folks onto those books and they still read them today, but I don't have any time to read anymore. I took the time yesterday to read one though, and I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of being caught all up in the story. Seeing the scenes in my mind and hearing the characters' voices in my head. So much fun. Yes, I should have been taking that time to compose my statement of purpose but something had to give.

I got pissed for a second because I got a call related to work. I didn't answer for my boss but she left a voicemail anyway. Nothing pressing but still. I go out of town to get away and I can't get away. Everybody and they momma can call me while I'm in Costa Rica. I don't give a damn, 'cause they gon' have to leave a voicemail and I ain't even checking my voicemail until I get back to Miami. Periot!

It was truly one of the best weekends I've had in a while. A chance for me to completely be myself, knowing that no matter what I did or how I got on anybody's nerves, it wouldn't be a problem 'cause my cousins know how crazy I really am.

A highlight was the Bath & Body Works sale we ran across. I don't go to the mall much so I had no clue. We caught it on the last day, so I was told. I racked up on stuff I surely didn't need but surely wanted. 'Twas great.

In the midst of it all, but only for a short time, I contemplated telling TheBouncer I can't continue to be in whatever we're in right now. I'm happy by myself. Happy, content, stress-free. I just want to be single-single-single. By myself. Don't have to talk to nobody on the phone. Don't have to call and check up. None of that. Just be by myself. That's what I want right now.

I realized it was too close to Father's Day to do that though. And I really want to do it before he expects me to come see him. I wouldn't mind going (bad me! LOL) but then again, not going = no stress, as far as worrying, once again (the story of my life these days) about ending up pregnant. I've escaped all these incidences. I don't need or want another one.

He's just not the one for me. I've said it before and I'm saying it again. He just ain't. And that's that on that.

I'm just ready to chill real hard. Just focus on relaxation outside of all my time committments (work, family, work) and getting healthy and in shape. That's what I want the rest of 2006 to be about for me. It's just been too stressful and unhealthy these past few months. I'm ready for physical, spiritual and mental health activities.

I miss the Lord and my relationship with him circa 2003. I had so much fun with him in my life. I truly did. And I'm looking for that again. Things and people will have to be let go but oh well. I'm ready for it. Right? I hope so.

I miss Ka.i. Right? Right.

Ka.i, or K.O., was the dude that interviewed me for my scholarship back in the day. 1999 to be exact. I keep running into him in the weirdest ways. It's crazy. I think it has always been waaaaaayyyyy in the back of my mind, "What if...?". I'm too embarassed to say the rest. Yes, even to myself. I stop the words in my mind before the sentence is complete. I refuse to think that way but it's fun from time to time.

I haven't spoken to him since fall of last year. I sent him an e-mail today. Just a little encouraging word. He loved it. He's a Capricorn (f'n Capricorns! LOL), so I know what he needs before he says what he needs. Yep. Sho'll do. Or at least that's what I try and convince myself.

Anyway. If I had the nerve to complete that sentence...

I can't say anymore.

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