2006-06-02 - 2:39 p.m.

Man! If that ain't a sayin' right there! I have to hear that song everyday just to hear that line. I swear, I'd make my body a canvas for words and phrases but I'm just not to that point mentally to be walking around with a whole buncha letters all over my body. Not yet anyway. LOL. Not ever, I think.

So I just bought tickets to go see Jo.deci July 14th. I'm taking my older cousin Shon-Ra with me. She's pregganant - about three months. By then she'll be a good 5 and showing. I hope she'll still be up to it. I just want to see them up there, sangan' with their necks all stretched out, veins bulging. K-Ci and them big ol' eyes buggin. I'm looking forward to it.

But I'm not excited. I've just been jaded by the concerts I've attended this year so far. I go into them with too much of a club experience expectation. When that doesn't come to fruition (free drinks, VIP, etc.), I'm like, "Eh, I'm bored. Let's be out!" For real. I just waltzed out of a Roots concert a few weeks ago on some of that ish. Ridiculous. But I think it's 'cause I go to them with my girl D and the tickets are free so the pressure's not there to enjoy myself. But it's all good.

I paid for those Jo.deci tickets so I'm planning on having a good ass time.

And I did something different this time. I only mentioned it to my cousin Shon-Ra 'cause I knew for a fact that she would appreciate seeing them live. I ain't tell nobody else. I ain't try to get the troops rounded up. I'ma tell people I'm going and say my cousin bought the tickets so I don't have to explain why I didn't mention it and ask if anybody wanted to go. I just want to go with her, have some good old-fashioned concert fun (i.e. Be a true fan, enjoying the music, not worrying about the overall experience), and take my ass home.

I remember I used to not be one of those females ever even using the phrase "VIP", and now, it's a constant in my damn vocabulary. Ugh. It's like I use it to validate myself in a way. I think Miami does that to a person. It's almost like, "Well who the hell are you really if you can't get in VIP?" It's very shallow but Miami is a very shallow city. Very shallow. It does not really foster individuality.

I thought I had come across some likeminded, artistic folks when I stumbled upon that poetry spot years back. But after being immersed completely in that "circle" (or "box", I should say), I realize that they were all putting on a front.

It's crazy 'cause the same nigga that I just heard spoutin' about "black power" and "black people gotta do better" and all that is the same nigga I see at the club on Friday tryin' to be seen all up in VIP like he a balla. Trust, I'm happy for those that are doing well for themselves. But why you gotta try and prove it? Why not just enjoy yourself and have a good time? Why you gotta be trying so hard?

Grown-ass people with children at home, out at every event every night of the week. Old-ass men, SINGLE, tryin' to scoop up the next newly-legal female they can get their hands on. Preying. I've seen it from behind the scenes. It's gross.

I just wish I could find some secure and settled people somewhere. I get glimpses here and there but it's always through a third party. And never close enough where I could enjoy it all the time.

So TheBouncer called me last night. I saw he was calling but since I was sitting up chillin' with DAVID (mmhmmm), I had to put that ring on silent. By the time I left ('round 12:45am), I figured TheBouncer was already sleep so I'd just return his call later. As I'm driving home, I miss a call from him. Realize it immediately and call him back. He all huffin' and puffin' in the phone 'cause he claimed to have been trying to reach me since the day before but no call came through on my phone and he ain't leave a message so how was I supposed to know? I lied and told him I was just getting off work.

I lied and told him I was just getting off work.

I lied.

I realized a little while ago this morning that I need a nigga that feels he is worth me and worth my time. That's what the hell I need.

David sho'll ain't the one. He so skinny! The locs made him look a little bigger back then but he cut 'em off and he just don't look the same. And he is so damn not aggressive. And that's what I need. I need a nigga that's gon' hop on top of me and he just ain't like that.

I need a nigga that's gon' hop on top of me.

No I don't. LOL.

Don't I need a respectful dude? Yeah. I do.

Either way, Dave ain't the one. Too many internal struggles. A sweetheart, don't get me wrong. I just feel like I'd get him too wrapped up and end up not really being interested in him like that. I see plenty of the signs. But he's cool to chill with. But that's about it.

I think I just have gone so long without meeting somebody that's even half of what I'd probably be "looking for" if I was "looking", so I've just become jaded. I don't even recognize a handsome male anymore. Like, if I'm walking around somewhere or something. My eye doesn't even recognize a nice bodied man dressed nicely. It's crazy.

But I recognize a nice car with the quickness. LOL. Not that I'm that into cars and not at all that I'm into niggas in nice cars. But even then, I ain't gon' turn my head.

It's just so complicated to me and I at times wish it wasn't.

I even almost wish I was lonely right now but that's just not the case. I mean, I do miss TheBouncer being pressed up against me as I fell asleep at night but that's a physical thing. Mentally, I don't miss anything.

Damn, I feel like a real stank bitch right now. I'm not acting like one but I just feel like one. For real. It's gross. I need to go see my great-uncle and just chill for a minute. I think that's what I'm about to do.

Actually, I don' sat around my office now until I don't have time to go anymore.

I don't want to go to this "party" after work. It's gonna be like an appreciation for this lady that I know, the people that work for her. She wants me to come. I work for her at her other business, the theatre, but she wants me to come tonight just to be there. Problem is I would have to go by myself and I don't really feel up to that right about now. I know a couple of folks who work there but still. I just don't feel like being bothered. Especially since I have pressure from D to attend a few events tonight.

I kinda want to ask Bridg to hang tonight just because. The three of us used to hang out last year and just go crazy. Lately though, each of our own "issues" seem to cloud the evening. I'm not comfortable in this body anymore, D is broke, Bridg is lonely and looking... I'm really through with going out period but D depends on it so much.

Same ol sad song. LOL.

I HATE this pic that Nat has on her my.spa.ce page of me! I hate it because it is a SERIOUS reminder of how small I was in '04! I HATE IT!!!! I was SO DAMN CUTE! Ugh!! For real! I have on one of my favorite shirts in the pic and if I may say so my damn self, it fit me PERFECTLY on that night! I mean DAMN! No WONDER my ex-"employee" was hookin' me up like that. In all, I was ON FIYAH that night 'cause I had come to the event STRAIGHT from the spa. Like, got home, changed clothes (twice - LOL!), met up with the girls and rolled out. Too damn cute!

I just don't have a choice but to get back to that size, and even smaller.

I read my horoscope the other day (I trust Caeriel) and it said that my future goals must be inspiring. I've been saying, "Oh, I want to lose 25 pounds by August". Ish like that. For the past few days, I've been thinking more in terms of "I need to get down to PAST where I want to be". I'm 210 now. I WANT to be 140, 145. I NEED to be 130, 135. That's at least 75 pounds. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to be that size since I was 150 in the 6th grade. I can't remember how it felt to be smaller than that since I haven't been smaller than that since I was 11 years old.

I really wanna do a "Why me?!" right now but I'm not gonna. I've been a big girl allllllll my life. Never been regular size. Well, that's actually a lie. Prior to 6 or 7, I was "regular". After that, and definitely since age 9, I've been big for my age at every age. And I really do wanna know why it was decided that I would be a fat girl. I guess everybody gotta have their something and I was just set to have all the other areas going good and this one just f'd up.

Well, the skin too. My skin is not the way I want it to be because of health issues as a child. So I've got a lot of marks all over my legs and arms. Gosh, I just think about my baby pictures and I cringe.

And I want to say, "This ish ain't fair." but ain't that just life? Life wasn't meant to be fair.

So I just need to suck it up and lose this damn weight and get my body in the shape I want it to be and call it a damn day.

I just can't imagine life without worrying about my weight. Makes me shake my head just to think about feeling this way.

the last - the next