TheForest.Diaryland.Com

"You can't win. You can't break even and you can't get out of the game."

2006-03-31 - 4:37 p.m.

I was just thinking about this mix that I downloaded from the web last year: "She Said She Wants Some" by Pablo.

Man, I love that mix. Most of it anyway. But at least the first 5 or 6 songs get me hype. I luh it.

So yeah, I'm just sitting here thinking about it, how I can't wait to hear Malik Yusef's "Get Ready" on my way home, and a memory popped into my head.

When I was going up to Orlando this last time, I had got me a turnpike boyfriend. This is my second real one.

I coined the term "turnpike boyfriend" (TB) for men that stick with me while I'm driving on the turnpike. The first one was an old Kappa in a green jag. That was back when I had my Echo. That old man made it his duty to keep up with me on the road. At times, I was over 90 and there he would be, right behind me, switchin' lanes and all.

The time came for me to need to use the bathroom so I prepared myself to bid my TB farewell and so long. Little did I know, he had other plans. He proceeds to get off at the exit with me.

Now it wouldn't have been so conspicuous that he had been sticking with me had he not parked next to me and then, upon me getting out the car, made a comment something to the effect of, "You been riding that car girl." I just smiled at him and tried to hurriedly make my way into the rest stop, which wasn't hard to do seeing as I really had to pee. LOL.

So I rush into the bathroom and come out to find grandpa standing by the exit, lickin' on an ice cream cone. I tried to simply brush past him but he went right on ahead and fell in stride with me, albeit a step behind. I gave him a small smile when I passed and a wave when I was getting in my car. If memory serves me, he also bid me a safe rest of my trip.

So that was my first TB.

My second TB, the one who popped up into my memory just now, he was special. I bet the next time I'm on a solitary road trip, I'll probably be looking into the car next to me, hoping he's there. He was just so sweet.

It had to be a while into my journey. I think I was on hour number 2 in the 3 hour trip. Since that Range crashed into the back of me in 2004, I've developed a tendency to look in my rearview mirrors to make sure the car behind me is not about to crash into me. So I'm looking at my driver's side mirror and I notice that there seems to be a young black male in the car to my left, in the passing lane. I'm just chillin', drivin'.

Next thing I know, that car is parallel to mine. Homeboy don' pulled up to see who is in the car. Now my immediate thought was, "that's exactly why I want some dark boys on my damn car" - 'cause I'm sick of negroes driving parallel to me, tryin' to have a staring match or hold a conversation. LOL.

But he eventually pulled up a little, but stayed within my immediate range. I had to get behind him 'cause the car in front of me was going too slow. He proceeded to get over in the lane I had just left in front of the slow car and let me pass. Cool. Then he jumped right back behind me. There were no other cars but us three at this point. He really had no reason to get behind me.

For the next hour, he either rode behind me or in front of me. Seriously. Dude stuck with me something serious. Even when I slowed down to let him go ahead. He'd just slow down too. And it wasn't no road rage situation. We had a real cute driving relationship going on.

I thought I'd lost my TB forever since he had a SunPass and I didn't, so while he rode off into the sunset, I had to sit and wait in a line of cars to pay my toll. At the speed we had been going, he should have been 'bout 5 minutes ahead of me, too long for me to ever find him again. But no. I made it through the toll with the belief that he was gone from my life for good (*sniff*) and about 2 minutes out, I see a car that is exactly like the one he was driving. It was him! He had slowed down so we could meet back up and we proceeded to ride together from that point on as well.

It hurt me to be the one getting off the turnpike before him. I had secretly hoped that he would ironically be getting off at my same exit. But alas, it truly wasn't meant to be - as much as we both wanted it to. But I did it slick. So that he wouldn't have a chance to react, I stayed in the passing lane until the very last second when I jumped the next lane and hopped off the turnpike. I didn't want him getting off with me 'cause I didn't want to find myself caught up in a fantasy of a one-exit stand on my trip outta town.

Okay, okay. Let me bring it back. LOL! I don't believe I would have done something like that but I've even surprised myself in some situations so I figured I'd better leave well enough alone.

But let me see that car with that driver on the turnpike on another trip. It so will be going down. LOL.

So I'm warming up to my godson. He's so damn cute. And a Capricorn, so he's quiet and seems to sit and ponder things. Yes, he's "pondering" at 3 months old. Yes he is.

He's sleeping well and not drooling too much, so me and him are gonna be cool. I was just so apprehensive about the whole situation because of the rift between the momma and the daddy and the families but I can see him being my little boo. Me and him, we gon' make it work.

I want to babysit but I'm never home my damn self. I can't be carrying him each and everywhere. Can't be dragging no baby around like that. It's not fair to them. So hopefully, I let go of a few things and a few people so that I can be on the kind of schedule I want to be on so I can get him a couple nights a week or even on the weekends.

Speaking of which, I finally told D I'm taking a break from all that damn clubbing. I don't get much enjoyment from it anymore, unless I'm tipsy. And that ain't cool. It was fun, I ain't sayin' it wasn't. But what I am sayin' is that it gets boring when you're doing the same ol' stuff each and everytime, seein' the same ol' people.

It really becomes a problem for me when I'm seeing the same people at every club and then recognizing them when I go to the store or the mall. Like, that's ridiculous. Really.

So, just as I thought, she was damn-near devastated. And honestly, that's just what she's gon' have to be. It ain't my fault that she's in the situation that she is as far as living with her mother is concerned. I live with my parents, but we have a good relationship. She, on the other hand, does not have a good relationship with her mother but the fact that she can't get herself on her own two feet to get up and out of that arrangement keeps her stuck there. And I can't help that.

Unfortunately, her escape is to go to the club and dance with other dudes since she and her boyfriend have been in a long-distance relationship since day one.

I work two jobs and run around with my family and go to see TheBouncer when I can. I just don't have the time to squeeze in going to a club and doing all this hustling and other crap.

I'm just so over it. And I've been over it but I put her first when it came to that, 'cause I knew if when she asked, if I said no she was gonna be heartbroken. But like DC says, "Ooooh, this time it's for me." I'm done with it. I'm not tryin' to torture myself any further.

Hopefully, this situation will be helpful to her in some way. Maybe she'll be home more often to face the insanity of her situation, prompting her to get up, get out and do something - get a job, a hobby, something.

My problem in life is that I am everything for everybody else, especially those who could care less than to be anything for me. And I'm through with it.

Happiness and peace are mine for the taking. Time to break these chains I'm letting people put on my wrists and reach out and grab them.

So Monday, I'm starting a fast. From the earth or it's not going in my mouth. Period.

I'm also going to for real take a break from TheBouncer. I've been saying it and saying it and haven't done it yet. But this time is different.

I need some time and space to clear my head. Really I do. So I'ma take that and do that. Or at the very least, put forth a concerted effort.

And like Tae Tae says, I need to stop feeling bad about telling people "no". I have THE HARDEST TIME doing that. Even when my conscious is SCREAMING "NOOOOO!!!!", my mouth is saying, "Okay" or "I'll see what I can do" (which is basically a "yes" when it's coming out of my mouth).

I'm done though. No is 'bout to start meaning no. Periot.

So this weekend...we'll see how it goes. I have to take my little cousin Avi to her meeting tomorrow at 11am and then a birthday party for D's niece at 1:30pm. I'll probably be done with all of that at around 4:00pm. Hopefully, I'll be back in the bed by 6:00pm. I know Bridg is gonna call me to go out tomorrow night but I ain't tryin' to hear it and I'ma let her know. Hell, if I could have my way, I'd get enough sleep to where I could get up and go to 7:30 service on Sunday morning.

Gosh, I think back on it... My grandaddy used to have us at Sunday School at 9:30am and then have us stay to 11 o'clock service, which usually let out around 2. That's just too long to be up in the church house for me. So we'll see if me and my momma can't get into the habit of going to 7:30 service...

Whoo, I'm rambling here. LOL.

So yeah, I got this Lolita Lempicka and I'm in luh. It's a relaxing scent for me. It's really kind of what I've been looking for but still not EXACTLY. But it brings me joy, nonetheless.

But yeah, back to my weekend. In the midst of the regular stuff, I also need to get a new cellphone, a gift for the birthday girl, try to pick up Dave Hollister's "Ghetto Hymns" or Playa's "Cheers 2 U". I had the latter but somebody always seems to be lootin' my damn stuff.

Mi madre also wants to go see a few folks we know in a production of "Intimate Apparel" at GableStage. I'd like to see it too. And we supposed to be gettin' a hook-up on those tickets. I hope it comes through 'cause I ain't even tryin' to hear nothin' 'bout $40 per person.

There are a few cultural events I want to hit up next week so I'll probably try to be getting some thangs done around the house as well this weekend so I can have those off my mind while I'm running around next week.

I really just want to run myself ragged this weekend, getting all the things I want to get done. I hope that happens.

We'll see.

So yeah, hopefully over the next few weeks, I'll be able to bask in my solitude, as far as these niggas and, as a matter of fact, a lot of other individuals, are concerned. Hopefully.

the last - the next

The Trees Today - The Trees I've Seent. - Diaryland.


The Last 5 Trees
"Until the end of time, I'll be there for you. You are my heart and mind. I truly adore you." - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2016
"Don't touch what's there...when it's the feelings I wear..." - Saturday, Oct. 08, 2016
"I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter his courts with praise." - Friday, Oct. 07, 2016
"I tried to run it away. Thought then my head'd be feeling clearer...." - Tuesday, Oct. 04, 2016
"Boy, your money and my money? Ain't the same damn kind. I can live your life and my life AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!" - Sunday, Oct. 02, 2016