2006-03-18 - 10:58 p.m.

"Somebody's gotta win...
Somebody's gotta lose...
Somebody's gotta play the fool."

And that person would be me. The fool.

Foo-elle, if I say so myself.

I don't want to ever forget that I am currently on my second round of Plan B. Once again, TheBouncer pulled a stunt.

I'm not blaming him. I was still messing around even after the last stunt he pulled. I like to be honest with myself - the D is just that damn good.

But I just can't allow myself to take these crazy chances anymore. I truly can't.

And I won't.

Tomorrow, I'm going to admit that I love him. I do. I'm not in love with him and don't ever see myself being so. But I care about him. A lot. A waaaaaay lot - I think. And I want to see him a lot. And I want to hear from him a lot. I don't think about him a lot though. But I do believe I love him.

Or is it just that I believe that telling him I love him will make him exceedingly happy. Which I know it will. But does that make it right telling him I love him when I'm not sure? Hell, I don't know what love is.

But yeah. I'm such a foo-elle when it comes to TheBouncer.

Time to stop!!!!!!

STOP EVERYTHING: THE PRESSES!!!! PUMP THE BRAKES!!! ALL THAT!!!

I'm tired of:
Being fat.
My main job where I can never get through a project because of all the other projects I have to do all at the same time and the late nights.
My second job because of all the late nights (too) and the pressure it puts on me before I am even able to leave the pressure from my main job behind.
The relationship that I am not in with TheBouncer even though I give him just about all of the little spare time (usually between 11pm and 3am) I do have.
Not being able to just come home and relax.
Going out because people who are dealing with foolishness in their homes with their families want to get out of the house - up to 4 nights a damn week.
Not being able to just get naked and chill like I really want to.

I'm just tired.

Yeah.

So my plan is to tell TheBouncer I love him tomorrow and then walk away from it all. I'm ready. Can't be any more tired of it all than I am right now.

Oh and by the way, my cell phone rang tonight. I was sitting with my mom having dinner. I picked it up to see who was calling. It was a number that isn't stored in my phone but one that I recognized: G.O. One of the young niggas. I ain't even called his ass since November of last year and here he is leaving me a message talkin' 'bout he callin' to say wassup, hit him back. Must be crazy.

Like me.

Fuckin' Capricorn.

the last - the next