2006-01-04 - 9:56 p.m.

"It might seem like I'm hating but I'm just relating."

So I SLEPT in the New Year. Yes I did. I tried to stay awake. Played a DVD on my finally hooked up correctly entertainment system but fell straight asleep. Actually got up and turned out the light and went to sleep with all intentions of waking up maybe 11:30pm to ring in 2006. Didn't happen. Was awakened at 12:02am. Got a few calls, had a few conversations, prayed real hard, back to sleep by 1:00am.

And that was fine with me.

Christmas was cute. Got a new TV which allowed me to finally hook up my entertainment system correctly. LOL. Hence, I have been watching all the DVDs I've been stockpiling since way back in the day. And it's been great. :)!

So I got a speeding ticket this morning. I'm emotional today so I shed 'bout three tears. In all my 10 years of driving, I have not gotten one ticket. For anything. But here I am this morning, doing a favor for my mom that I didn't want to do in the first freaking place!, and I get a damn speeding ticket. And I didn't even realize how fast I was zooming through that area. I take complete responsibility. I'm just upset 'cause I didn't want to do what I was doing in the first friggin place! But instead of putting my foot down and saying no, I got up and inconvenienced myself from start to finish.

Is the lesson to be selfish? Hmmmm...

So I want to move out by the end of March. The beginning of if I could but the end of is fine too. Last year, I set a goal of June 2006. It would be great if I could get out sooner but if I have to wait until June, so be it. But I will be out the house by June.

Too many of my cousins are still living with their parents and are way older than me. I'm not trying to be like that. 25 is plenty old enough to be getting out.

Oh yeah, I'm turning 25 on the 19th. I want a party but that might not happen. Funds are depleting before my eyes as if they never even existed. Wha?! But I will definitely be getting a tattoo on my birthday night. Yes I will be. Finally. Might hit up this "free" birthday party for me and 10 friends too if it's lookin' like the folks who do it are serious. We'll see.

So I paid off my car insurance for this period. I'm so damn happy. That has been something I've wanted to do forever but it was always so expensive. I was waiting for 25 just because I knew my car insurance would go down. LOL. I hope it stays down after my damn ticket. It should. I hope so. I'll be pissed if it goes back up.

Never got a damn ticket in 10 whole years. Make me sick.

Whatever.

So I don't have any resolutions. I've promised myself that I will lose weight this year. I haven't set a number, although I would love to be down significantly by the end of March. We'll see.

A girl I know contracted herpes from one of the two sexual partners she's ever had in life. She urged me to go get tested for HIV since I hadn't been tested in a while. So that's what I did. I called right when I got the number but that was last week and they weren't doing testing until yesterday. I immediately had the thought that maybe they've had the experience where someone couldn't handle going into a new year after finding out they were positive. Or maybe they don't want to ruin people's holiday season. I don't know.

All I know is that I went to get my test yesterday. I was so scared. So nervous. I've been protected with everybody except TheBouncer but you just never know. You just never know.

It was a finger-prick test. I expected it to be the oral one. It was better than drawing blood from a vein, nonetheless. It was the 20-minute test. I just remember the girl asking me how many sexual partners have I had this year. I had to think about it even though I subconsciously knew the number was 4 (TheBouncer being one of 4). So I blurted out 4 and then mentally counted their names in my head. 2004 was 3 (TheBouncer being one of 3 and Mark being one of 3). The year before was 2 (Mark being one of 2).

Back to the test.

So she took the sample and then said to come back in 20 minutes. I had the option of sitting in the lobby, going to lunch or walking around. I had to keep myself busy so I walked down the street and came back. I was really worried and didn't even realize how much so until I damn-near couldn't breathe. My throat went completely dry on the walk back toward the office. I mean completely. I couldn't even really cough. I just knew I was about to start panicking so I did everything I could mentally (much prayer) to calm myself down.

I got back to the office and she went in the room to make sure the results had come out then she called me in. I remembered her saying something about one line and two lines and their meanings but I got it all mixed up. I thought one line was positive, two was negative.

The way they do it is they turn the results toward you and say, "These are your results." So I saw one line and I was like, "Oh my God." I'm glad my brain kicked in and I asked what one line was. She said "negative" but I still couldn't fully comprehend. She pulled out a paper and highlighted the section where it said my results were negative. I was just overjoyed. Really, I was.

I just feel like I had every reason to be positive. I'm not out there every night with some random dude but I have had my share of one-nighters. Well, actually only 2 one-nighters. The others were repeats. But still. The point is I don't get shown any results before I get down with these people. I do drop the "we have to use a condom 'cause you don't know what I have" bit, just to shake them up, which always works. But still.

You just never know.

But thank God I'm negative. And I will continue to take precautions to ensure that I remain negative.

I'm going to get my other tests done in two weeks. It's time to be aware, know my status and be responsible.

Even though it was scary, that was a good start to my 2006. Getting put into action like that.

I have to give it up for the Lord for always watching over babies and fools, me being the fool in this case for not being more scrupulous in my excursions and trusting TheBouncer to be safe in his other encounters, if he is having any.

I want to be single and free in 2006. I wanted to talk to TheBouncer about that the week before New Years but the timing was never right. Mainly, I didn't want to ruin his holiday excitement. Honestly. I got him two simple things that I knew he would appreciate for Christmas and I swear, you would think I had given the man the world. I guess the fact that I was the only one who thought of him at Christmastime had a lot to do with it. But still.

I'm just ready to deal with myself this year. I haven't been doing that the past couple of years. Just dealing with me and my issues for once. Understanding myself and taking the time to nurture me. I'm ready to do that this year. I am.

So I'm gonna have to sit him down and let him know, hey, this is my turn to be with me. I don't want him to sit and wait but I'm not trying to be with him either so I guess what I'm basically going to be asking him is to forget about me.

I know it's not going to be that easy but I wish it was.

Speaking of. I saw BoringGuy Monday night, at the end of a long, fun-filled evening. He actually got my attention 'cause I really wouldn't have seen him or cared enough to get him if I did. He coulda been cool but he just had nothing to him. And when I think of him, I still think of the after-Wilma situation. I am just not tryna hear it with him. At all. So disappointed.

Ugh. He and a few others are part of the inspiration for my solo-for-dolo feeling for 2006. I'm just not tryna deal with foolishness this year. Really, I'm not. Not dealing with anybody will help me to be more focused with my own endeavors, relieve a lot of stress about things of which I should not be wondering/worrying about, and leave me to answer to no one but myself. Period.

I'm ready for that. I get lonely when I'm dealing with these fools so why not just be lonely all by my damn-self? And maybe I won't feel so lonely as a result. Maybe I'll just feel alone as in single. Period.

I'm just tired. Really I am. Tired and ready to just be grinding 24/7 like I used to. I felt the best ever when I didn't have time to feel.

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