2005-11-11 - 11:41 a.m.

Hmmmm.

It's me again! LOL. I been away for so long! I've written a couple of entries and e-mailed 'em to myself so I could post 'em later just never got around to it. Too much has been going on.

No time to breathe. To just sit down and do what I wanna do...

Actually, I lie. That whole entire week as a result of Wilma was plenty of time to do that, just not in the way I would have liked. There was no electricity, no traffic signals in too many places and no readily available gas so that kept me basically laying in my bed all day reading E. Jerome Dickey novels (loved Driver).

But yeah. The theatre started last night so this week has been overly crazy. I am so tired right now so I'm just looking forward to tonight when I can perhaps sit my ass down somewhere and take a breather.

I'm big again. Yep. Back with the big girls. I had been straddling the fence for the past few years but I've officially regained my spot. Only difference now is I have the confidence I was able to gain while just being "thick". But "thick" has now come and gone.

I'm a big (girl) now!

And that hurts me. I'm looking at pictures from last year and it's KILLING me. And I just don't know how it happened. I really can't say. Really, I can't. I don't feel like my eating has been that much different (even though I did live off of fast food for a long period earlier this year and I eat ALL the time). So I just don't understand how this happened.

Okay, enough of the sarcasm. I think it just drives me crazy because the weight waited to jump on me. While I was eating all that fast food consistently and having Coldstone or Dairy Queen every night, my body didn't change a bit. As soon as I stopped the Coldstone and Dairy Queen, I gain like 30 pounds! It's ridiculous.

I'm ready to get serious but aren't I always?! But yeah. I just have a lot of thinking and analyzing to do. Need to get on that - STAT.

So I was doing something irrelevant this morning and the thougt came to my mind to document the kinds of men (though for some of them, it pains me to call them that) that have been calling my cell phone in the past two weeks. (Damn skippy. They all get the cell phone number. Don't nobody need my house number to switch to that after I don't answer my cell phone. Tryin' to get my address on the internet, what have you.) It must be something I've done to deserve this:

Ernie - Old man who tried to holla when I first started my job. He caught me on the way to my car. I was vulnerable 'cause I was tired after a long day at work. He was getting his tires fixed across the street from the lot where I park my car. He holla'd and came over to get my number. No harm, right? LOL. He called but I was busy. I got the feeling that he expected me to drop everything...matter of fact WAKE UP when he called. Ummm, no. He was hurt so he ain't call back. That was months ago and here he go ringing my phone last week. Reciting all the details of how he met me and pleading with me to give him a call. I'll call him and let him take me out one time. After that, no more for you.

Lincoln - Why?! That's my only question. Met him at the grand opening for a GHETTO club. LOL. Had to see what the club was about. LOL. And Three 6 Mafia was supposed to be performing and I wanted to see that (didn't end up seeing it 'cause I got more drunk than I expected (don't know how that happened) so we left early). There was a poetry meeting before the club so he was a straggler from that. Dressed all "preppy" (on recall, I realize he was actually dressed "nerdy"). No game. Felt bad for him so I gave him my number. Thought he might be interesting. You know, a "nerd" who's into some ghetto stuff... Stopped by his house after a night out. This nigga living with a roommate, in his little room off to the side like he a stepchild. Talkin' 'bout he 'bout to move back in (yes, back in - as in had moved out, moved back in, moved out this time and is about to go back AGAIN) with his momma. 30-something (35?). Gay-acting as all get out. Hands and ankles crossed the whole time. Steady tryna give me a "back massage". Ummmm, no. Eemeejutly asked for a bottle of water to help me sober up on my ride home. He's calling, I ain't answering. Every day, the same "So how was your day?" (GAY!) text goes unanswered. That right there is movie material for me. LOL!

Bryan - BORING PERIOD!!! Geez! I mean, really!!! Can you have SOME personality?!?! Ugh! I'm rolling my eyes as I type just thinking about him!!! LOL!!!! Met him in March, I believe. The meeting was so "exciting" (I have him as Boring Guy in some past entries) compared to everything I've experienced with him since then. I'm just not interested. Tried to give him a chance 'till he pulled some bitch move that saw me getting out of another date early (which I didn't really mind 'causa who it was with) to go meet up with him then he gon' act like he don't have nothin' in mind. Oh no. F the dumb. You have a good night's sleep. "That better be some of the best sleep you ever have 'cause it's about to cost you all this right here." That's what I was thinking the last time I spoke to him. LOL. He had no idea. His everyday calls have not and will not be returned.

Quentin - Old man. (Yes, with me, it's a trend.) Actually the above referenced date. Saw me walking on South Beach with D one night months ago and pulled over to come talk to me. Okay. In a fit of pure and utter boredom during the afore-mentioned week of nothing to do, I dug out his card and called him. I got excited 'cause we had a three-hour conversation the first time we spoke. I had been craving some good conversation (but hindsight reveals it was probably a regular conversation made better by the fact that it was the only thing happening on a pitch black Friday night). Talkin' 'bout all he got and how good his job is and all this foolishness but livin' in an efficiency and stay driving the company VAN. LOL. I ain't wit it. Too philosophically into himself. But I'm just not feeling him. You don't have to convince me how much women want you because you're just so charming. I'll be the judge of that over in this here court. Thanks but no thanks. And please get it right. The name is A***r (I love my name), not Boo or Baby when I've only been speaking to you for about two weeks. We still on formal terms. I'll let you know when the pet name privileges kick in.

G.O. - aka Young Buck. If it ain't a old man, it's a young one who's been in jail and is currently on probation. I'm saying, I had to do something to deserve this. LOL. He chased me down after being impressed by my deft driving techniques around his slow butt late on a Saturday night. I don't race though. LOL. He's a Capricorn so that had me. Cute accent. Cute face. Own house. Own car. Hard worker. I'm not co-signing him though. One good conversation the night before the storm so his line of work has been under heavy demand since we last spoke. He called me up on a day I thought him into existence. That phenomenon always seems to throw me off. LOL. Like I said, he's a Capricorn. Damn him. LOL.

Judston (Justin) - aka Just-PlainYoung. LOL! And I repeat, "If it ain't a old man, it's a young one who's been in jail and is currently on probation." 21-year-old Aquarius. Convinced himself we were meant to be. Very affectionate in a cute way. Actually enjoyed the couple of dates we went on. But he's a liar and I just ain't with that. At all. Still calling after I don' told him I'm "in love" (really "in lust") with somebody else.

Fritz - He's cool. It's just that dysfunction. I can't get over it. Period. No matter what he says or does. I just like his reaction to what I do for him though. Every blue moon, I do simple shit for him that he doesn't get on the regular. Make him feel special. My good deeds for the year. LOL. For real though, his reaction is what I like. And he's cool. I've known him at least 3 years now. That's crazy. He's the right build (which is so hard to find - for real - LOL!) just not the right person.

Jerramy - Mmmhmmm. Found out he was stalking me in the club one night. LOL. Never would have known if he didn't make it known. LOL. He'll NEVER get this again. And I'm saying NEVER really meaning it but also thinking that I wouldn't mind being his teacher 'cause he has the potential, just not the technique. AT ALL. LOL. But yeah, I think that's better left at NEVER. 'Cause I just can't take the thought of that kind of dissapointment EVER again.

TheBouncer - Of course. A year and a half I've been dealing with him. I've never even had a real relationship and here I am in whatever this is with him for a year and a half. I tell you. I want nothing but the D from him. And I'm trying to wean myself off of that but what he put on me last Friday night makes that very hard to do! As simple as the situation is, it is the most stressful because of the consequences that could arise from it. I am being so irresponsible, it's not even funny. I don't know what's wrong with me for this one.

Like I said, I must have done something, mainly in my past lives, to deserve this. For right now, I want somebody 2 years +/- my age (24). Independent. Making moves and moving forward. Interesting. Living...

Matter fact, for right now, I don't want NOBODY. How 'bout everybody stop calling my phone, stop sending me messages, stop leaving me messages. Just let me be. Just let me be by myself and think about things not involving anybody but myself and my family. How 'bout that? Too much to ask? I think not.

I'm reverting but, oh, I think I like it, oh I like it. LOL. I want to go back to "stayin' on my grizzy, (being) a bonafide hussluh". I just want to get up, work, do me, go to sleep, wash, rinse, repeat. Urrday. I'm ready for it. I need some serious rigidity, some monotony. For real.

I think I'm about to put this plan seriously into effect.

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