TheForest.Diaryland.Com

"I found a reason for me to change who I used to be..."

2005-03-09 - 6:02 p.m.

Okay so I haven't really been out-out in forever! Damn. I'm almost thinking I ain't really been out since January and, according to my going-out history, that's the equivalent of some years... LOL.

But I don't too much feel like going out much lately anyway. My weekends are usually so busy that any free time I have, all I really wanna do is lay up in my bed.

But like I mentioned in my last entry, me and my bed have really gotten too well acquainted. I'm almost starting to get sick of my damn bed. For real. I come home and I don't even want to get in it but then that damn down comforter and those 350tc sheets start calling my name... I just can't resist.

But yeah, I need to stay out my damn bed.

At least I woke up in enough time to go to the gym everyday so far this week. Even though I really really really wanna get up at the crack of dawn and go. That will start tomorrow. I will get up at 6:30am to head out to the gym and that is that on that! Period.

I think I've decided to just be diligent about losing the weight. I was listening to Joel Osteen the other night and he was talking about being diligent to get the things we desire. Like, just be seriously diligent about working out. My problem is that I'm always looking for pounds lost TODAY. When I don't see the expected result, I get discouraged and ready to quit. I wanna stop that. Stop looking for immediate results but rather results over time. Stop looking for a quick fix.

I've honestly given thought to Overeaters Anonymous. I am a textbook emotional eater. Like the other night. My stepfather is upset with me for no reason, basically his own circumstances. So I know he always comments about what I'm eating so I went right in his face and got some Cheese Doodles, silently daring him to say something to me about getting them. He didn't say anything but I could feel him looking at me, wanting to say something and I enjoyed that more than I enjoyed the Cheez Doodles. And that's not helping me or my health at all, using food as a weapon against somebody else.

I mean, I'm not nearly as big as I used to be but I'm not the size I've always wanted to be either. And why not get the problem at the source? I need some mental help with this issue. There's help out there, so I need to get it.

And I also need to look into some grad school options. I mean, I have a hell of a lot of work experience and knowledge of very different aspects of business but still, I don't feel like I have a specific focus. I'm reading job ads but I haven't seen anything that has me like, "Yeah, I'm absolutely and completely qualified for that right there and that absolutely sounds like something I need to be doing." I'm not feeling like I'll never find anything. Not at all. I'm just frustrated that I don't have it all figured out just yet. That's just a frustrating thing to me.

And I'm battling myself. Constantly wanting to call Jerramy or Gilles or David. It's stupid. It's dumb.

Jerramy, I can call him now 'cause I don't have any feelings for him anymore but I know that if I call him, the conversation's gonna land on the topic of us hooking up again and that's not on my mind at all with him ever again in this lifetime. I'd love to be his friend but he just can't handle that and that is something I cannot understand.

Gilles. I don't know that I really enjoyed his company or if it's just that the overall experience was really kinda cool. If I hadn'a allowed that situation to cross the line, I feel like he coulda been a cool person for me to chill with every once in a while. But such was not the case. Seems that it rarely is... But what's bothering me the most about this is that I even have it in my damn head to call him back. I'd rather just forget him. I mean, there wasn't anything there, really. And it was him upset with me, not the other way around.

I guess I just have a problem thinking that someone thinks ill of me. Like, I don't want to leave that kind of impression on anybody. I think that's what's really bothering me at the end of that whole situation with him.

But why can't I just be like "Oh the hell well." and keep it moving? Why is it still bothering me a month later? That upsets me. I'm ready to JUST BE OVER IT.

And David? Oh. come. on! This fool should not even be a thought in my mind. But when I see him and I treat him indifferently, I feel bad about it. But I really don't have any other choice. He made his bed and needs to lie in it. It's not right for him to even think that at his age, he can walk around, tryna play these silly games...even if he is cool for real. And yes, in his case, I have the right (whatever!) to be his regulator 'cause I feel the hell like it.

But yeah. I need to get the hell over all thoughts of accepting and making excuses for foolishness.

D said to me a few weeks ago, "You gotta start lettin' these niggas slide a little bit 'cause if you don't accept one thing, you ain't never gonna accept nothing." And I see her point - that every nigga will have his flaws.

What I don't see is me having to accept some straight foolishness. I don't think that's right. I don't think that I should have to settle for the best I think I can get instead of getting the best. I don't believe that is right. I mean, if I have to walk around straight denying niggas for the next few years, then that's jsut what I'ma have to do. 'Cause I just can't allow myself to continue to look straight past obvious FLAWS just to say I have me somebody. I just can't.

Anyway. I'm sick of talkin' about this crap AGAIN!

the last - the next

The Trees Today - The Trees I've Seent. - Diaryland.


The Last 5 Trees
"Until the end of time, I'll be there for you. You are my heart and mind. I truly adore you." - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2016
"Don't touch what's there...when it's the feelings I wear..." - Saturday, Oct. 08, 2016
"I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter his courts with praise." - Friday, Oct. 07, 2016
"I tried to run it away. Thought then my head'd be feeling clearer...." - Tuesday, Oct. 04, 2016
"Boy, your money and my money? Ain't the same damn kind. I can live your life and my life AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!" - Sunday, Oct. 02, 2016