2005-03-03 - 5:58 p.m.

I'm still here. LOL!

One thing though - I don't know WHY I keep smelling damn collard greens! Ain't none in my vicinity, yet I keep smellin' 'em and it's makin' me want to step outside of my plan and just go to my favorite restaurant with the so-sometimey customer service and get me a nice big gooey plate of soul food...

I can resist.

I feel like ramblin' since I ain't got much else to talk about so...

Because I don't have a regular damn schedule anymore, I find myself sleep in bed 'till damn-near 11am, back in bed by 7pm, watchin' tv 'till 'bout 1am. Not good.

I'm lookin' at a website for a poet right now. The woman who designed his page was murdered last year by her crazy ex.

Last night and the past few nights, I've absolutely tossed and turned, no sleep has been happenin'. Last night, I was sweating so much my bed was soaking wet. My sheets were completely clinging to me. Uncomfortable. Sick.

Hadn't been to the gym since last Friday so I got up and went this morning. Got so damn sick I had to sit down on a bench. I was laughing inside my head thinking how hilarious and embarassing it would be if they had to call the ambulance for me if I passed out on that bench. Thinking to myself, they're thinking I just over-worked myself, don't know that I'm really sick.

Been feeling nauseous since Monday. I'm not a vomit kinda girl. That's when I know it's no joke.

Virginia started Tuesday and it seemed like people just magically knew 'cause I found myself in a few too many anger-inducing situations. Nevertheless, I breathed and shook 'em off. Ended the day with the knowledge that I would be getting a free phone upgrade - no contract.

I want them damn collard greens.

"I Shoulda Cheated", Keyshia Cole.

My check for my last day at work came in the mail. And to think, I was about to tell my ex-bos to keep it. Promptly cashed that thang in my leisure account (yes, a female with no real job has a leisure account. AND I opened it days after I lost my job.).

I still haven't really started looking for a job. I don't know what the hell I'm waiting for. I'm applying though. At this point, I'm praying for the knowlede of what the hell I want to do in this life.

My alcohol tolerance has gone crazy. I had 'bout an ounce of wine a few weeks ago and it had me knocked out for the night. Sipped on some Grey last Friday and damn-near couldn't see in front of me.

My little cousin made me so mad on Saturday. I couldn't believe it. Still don't. I still feel bad about the way I treated her but man! I don't know. Made me worry about when it's time for me to deal with my own kids.

Haven't spoken to Jerramy since that night. I lie. Actually, he called me that Friday night. Wanting to know where I was. I was knocked out at J's house. So knocked out I was in a daze when I answered the phone, couldn't think straight, nothin'. Oh, but it was so not gonna go down. Not even a chance.

He sent me a message yesterday and when I saw his name, my heart kinda did that weird thing it does when I hear his voice but I more quickly than ever recovered as a result of the instantaneous memory of that disappointing event. *sigh*

Gilles. I miss him. Better yet, I miss his Wednesday night hook-up. I know, I know. LOL. But for real, I just can't deal with the "I'm upset 'cause you're being selfish even though you told me that's how you were gonna be so you should beg and plead 'till I'm not upset." Eh. Not happenin'.

It's just March and already I've completly upset 4 dudes. LOL. LOL!!!!!!!!!

I'm not even tryna be by myself. That's just the way it's happenin'. Then again, I'm not tryna look for nobody either.

I went by a ghetto tattoo shop Saturday. Figured I'd give it a look. I'd like to support my people. But the artist's lack of knowledge made me kinda shaky on the whole thing. Whole, meanin' gettin' a tattoo period. That's when I knew I was in the wrong place.

One day, I'ma just wake up and do it. I'm so hung up on havin' a guy to go with me but in the end, I'm sure it's gonna be somethin' I do by my gawd-dern-self!

I miss my best friend. She keeps talking about this trip to ATL in April. We've never traveled together but that's not what I'm worried about. I hope I can go. In my mind, I'll have recently started a new job so a week off won't be really feasible. But let me not be workin' when they go...I'll be on the first plane.

Something soooo gross happened to me yesterday but it was entirely too funny! LOL!!!!!!!! I'm glad it happened too. Brightened my day.

I know I'm in a minor funk about my job situation. I spend so much time resting, it's not even funny. I can't even say sleeping (which would signify, in me, a great depression). I don't sleep much. When I'm in my bed in the morning, I'm just laying down for hours, slipping in and out of consciousness, willing myself to get the hell up. At night, I'm flipping channels and then, after that, tossing and turning the whole night. I just value structure and schedule soooo much. To feel like I'm just floating around is driving me crazy. I'ma get some structure all on my own though. Soon.

I'm supposed to go out with TheBouncer tonight. I don't want to. I already see it being a downhill situation. So why am I going? To be taken out. To be treated.

Okay, so I'm listening to New R&B on Radio @ AOL and it's official: I'll be getting that Keyshia Cole CD. She ain't no Faith or female version of John Legend but I'm hearin' her. Listenin' to what she got to say.

My family is really a trip. My momma crazy. Fa sho'.

Anyway. My bladder is FULL. My stomach is turning and my head is hurting.

But I'm so thankful right now. For real. So thankful. Actually happy, even though I haven't made mention of that at all. *slapping my own hand!* Things are soooo good in my life, considering my circumstances. I'm neither down nor out. I actually feel like I'm floating on a cloud, in reference to my earlier "floating" comment.

So I'm good. Real good. And I'm praying that everybody out there is good too.

the last - the next