"I, oh I, don't know what I'd do without you 'cause I can't be without you..."
2004-06-03 - 11:47 a.m.
Whooo! It's been another long while, at least that's what it feels like. LOL. I just don't have the dang-on time to post up on here! And I miss it!
But ain't nothin' much really goin' on anyway. Just workin'. Period.
I hung out Thursday - Sunday on the beach this weekend with the rest of the negroes that came in from each and everywhere for Memorial Day Weekend. I enjoyed myself the most on Saturday though.
Why? 'Cause I was drunk. 'Cause I got my one chance in history of outsmarting the police. LOL. I was with some for real rollers so nobody was actin' funny. D pointed out Jerramy in the crowd so I spent a few drunken moments wrapped up in his arms (damn punk! make me SICK how I STILL care about his raggedy ass!). I was crute and felt that way too (I ain't been doin' the best I can to lose weight but I have been putting in some kinda work.).
But basically, it was the Jerramy thing that made my Saturday night. I guess somebody up there knew I needed a hug right about then so they placed him there for me to go to, even if only for a few minutes.
Why the hell am I still holding onto that shit 4 days later, I don't eeen much know. Then again, I don't care that I'm still holding onto it. When I get tired of holding onto that lil' memory, I'll let it the hell go. Until that time, it's mine. ALL MINE!
LOL!
I've been lonely man. Not as lonely as I could be. Not as lonely as I used to be. Nonetheless, I've been lonely. I don' talked about it, forgot about it, focused on it, prayed about it. At this point, I don't know what else to do to shake it.
I think the problem is I don't really wanna shake it. I like feelin' lonely, I think, 'cause it makes me know that I can feel something. When I don't feel lonely, I feel too strong, too independent. Like maybe, I won't ever really want a man. But I do. And I know me and I know I do (why do I feel like I'm under the influence writing this shit and all I've had is some cereal and milk? I mean, I feel like I'm puttin' all my damn business out in the street and I just can't help it.).
I know I want a man. I've wanted one for years and years and nothing stable has come along. I don't want to look. But I don't feel like I've missed anything in the times that I have looked.
I just want to know if there is something I'm doing wrong here. Am I the one that's turning them away? Am I blind to the right ones?
I don't feel like I am. I give people chances. It's just that, for some reason, they end up being stalkers. Got a grown man with three kids and a wife calling me weeks after I don' told him I can't deal with all of that... What am I doing wrong?!
LOL! It's funny when I think about it. I'm just one of the coolest, most laid-back, supportive, caring female when it comes to dealing with dudes. For whatever reason, I can't get a dude to be all of that to. And I know there are guys out there looking for somebody like me but... I don't know. I guess we ain't in the right place at the right time together or something.
But hey, it ain't something I can sit here and think about all the time even though I do. I make myself think about it. I don't know why.
Honestly, I don't know what the hell is going on. I prayed about it. That's all I can do. Enough of this.
Moving on to work...
It's difficult at times. I'm dealing with someone's personality the entire time I'm at work. It's hectic. It's thankless sometimes. But I do feel like I'm accomplishing shit. This week may turn out to be life/work-changing. We'll see. Hey, I'm getting paid. Ain't that's all that matters anyway?
Did I mention...
<2nd-tangent>My momma just called me and brightened my day. The Lord really knows what I need.2nd-tangent>
Now I don't even remember what I was going to mention. It's okay. It's time for me to wrap this up anyway.
I need to get happy again. Completely happy again.
I'ma release this loneliness by the time I come up in here next. For real.