2004-04-09 - 8:41 a.m.

Well...

Man, I tell ya.

After a loooooooong day, I was headed home. Me and D and J had just left the poetry spot. I was headed in one direction, J and D were headed in the same other direction. J had left out before myself and D. Just by a minute or so.

I looked at the time and saw it was 12:44am. I realized it was pretty late a time for me to be getting to sleep knowing that I had been running around allll day and that I had another full day the next day (today) so I shoulda been home earlier. I would have if it were not for me, D and J getting involved in somebody else's drama, but I'll get back to that later.

At 12:46am, my cell phone rang. I heard J's voice but I couldn't understand much of anything that she was saying. All I remember hearing clearly is "a guy on a motorcycle", "going sooooo fast" and "I think he's dead!". J was HYSTERICAL. I have known this girl for going on six years and have never seen her act the way she did last night.

I thought she was telling me that she hit a guy on a motorcycle. Turns out, she saw a major accident. D called me as I was driving to meet up with J but I couldn't click over 'cause J was on the phone, still crying hysterically. D saw the aftermath and confirmed that the guy was probably dead. So, in other words, J, a person who has never really been exposed to death (I think she's been to two funerals in her entire life) witnessed a man get killed.

The girl literally cried herself to sleep. I mean literally. For two hours, she was sobbing. She made me want to take some grief counseling lessons so that if I ever find myself in that situation again, I'll know what to do and say. What worked the best was telling her to breathe "deep and slow" over and over and over again. I think I said that phrase for about an hour straight. As soon as I would stop for whatever reason, she would head into crying again.

I stayed with her until she went to sleep. I'm glad she stays with family so I didn't have to leave her by herself.

I'm gonna call her soon to make sure she's alright.

I don't know what it is about people seeing accidents this year. Two weeks ago, my mom and stepfather witnessed a motorcycle/car accident that left the rider of the motorcycle brain-dead. They had to give statements to a homicide detective and everything...

I don't even know how I would react to something like that happening. What I'm afraid of is that I won't react at all. I'm scared that I'll be like, "Damn, that's messed up." as I'm continuing along my way onto wherever it is I'm headed. J had to pull over, she was so distraught. I feel like I'm too unaffected sometimes.

Then again, maybe that's a good thing.

I could have been a trauma surgeon. Maybe I was in a past life or maybe I will be in a future life.

And I hate to move right along from this topic but there's nothing I can do to change anything that happened.

I thought Damian right the hell up yesterday. I always do that. And it's not like I think about him everyday. There are only a few times I think about that dude and they are far and inbetween. Nevertheless, I thought about my job and how Damian would respond to that being that he works in the same industry. I think I read something I had written about him in the past on here too yesterday that made me think about him for a second.

So it would make sense that he would call me last night. I didn't answer the phone 'cause I was at the poetry spot. I called him back after I left, before hearing from J, but I didn't get an answer. By the time he called me back about 15 minutes later, I was in the middle of consoling J. I called him on my way home from J's house so he could keep me awake but by that time, he was in the club. Then he called me back a little while later but I was already knocked the hell out. I'll call him later on today.

But it just never fails, ya know?

My mind is going back to J though. I don't know why it was meant for her to see that accident, but it definitely was.

We were supposed to leave earlier than we left but, like I said, we got caught up in somebody else's relationship drama (which I'll kinda speak on next) so we ended up staying there for about 30 more minutes. The getting the cars thing went differently than it was supposed to as well. Instead of J walking to our cars, we walked to J's car and she dropped us off at our cars. Her car ended up being far as all getout.

We usually ride together but last night, for the first time ever, we all drove separately. When we drive together, we always take the route I take 'cause two of us usually leave our cars at my house.

And D was right behind J on the expressway, but it was J who saw the actual accident. So it was meant for her to see it. Why will soon be revealed, I'm sure.

Okay, let me try to move on again...

So my boss is actually dating a girl I went to school with. Well and good. More power to them. But look here, don't be gettin' me in the middle of ya'll spats and stuff. My loyalty is to the writer of my check - my boss. No matter what happens, that's who I'm rolling with 'cause yeah, I've known the girl at school but we're more friends because of circumstance than anything else.

So when ya'll don' had a big ole disagreement before ya'll got to the club, don't come around me trying to get me to side with one or the other. Ain't gon' happen. I'ma act blind, deaf and dumb, like I don't even know anything is wrong.

I just know I'ma have to hear his side of the story today and honestly, I ain't even interested. My main problem with this is that because he knows I know her and I know about their relationship and I've probably heard what happened already, he's gonna believe I understand why he has an attitude or whatever.

Look here (again, look here), I know ya'll had ya'll spat but we at work. You leave all that relationship stuff in the bedroom. This is the office - I don't have time for the drama.

So I'ma have to find a way to set them straight about all this: Do not get me involved in what ya'll goin' through. K? Thanks.

I have had a headache OUT OF THIS WORLD since yesterday afternoon and it has EVERYTHING to do with being tired. And I mean EVERYTHING. I'm drinking some caffeinated coffee (damn the consequences) that is surprisingly easing the pressure in my head. I'm gonna try and fit in a quick nap somewhere during my day. That should do the trick.

Aiight, I don't have the luxury of spending hours unloading my mind today. I gotta get this work done. So I'ma go.

But man, last night was rough. Mentally. It was just rough. And all I can do is pray for everyone involved.

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