TheForest.Diaryland.Com

"Flash the message: 'Something's out there.'"

2004-03-24 - 1:30 p.m.

So my mouth is feeling a little better today. I'm still in pain, at least not as much (thank da lawrd!).

And I caught a glimpse of my back in the mirror this morning. I don't understand why I allow myself to make great strides as far as getting in shape is concerned and then I basically stop all efforts for no reason.

That roll is gone, the one that was on the way to being gone. It's gone. Completely. I only have the one on my upper back and that was steadily diminishing. Even with all this progress, I have yet to even look hard at the treadmill this week. I have yet to even consider putting on my workout clothes. Nevertheless, all day, I'm thinking about the brownie sundae I'll have when I get home. The same brownie sundae I've had three days in a row already!

It's ridicumalous! For real.

And I thought hard about that Atkins thing. I wouldn't be doing nothing but setting myself up for a miserable failure if I tried to hold myself to the Atkins diet. Therefore, I'm going to do more of a whole foods diet. No white items in my daily consumption. In other words, no bread, no white potatoes, no rice, no pasta. It's damn near the Atkins but at least I'll get to enjoy the sweetness of fruit and the accompaniment of most vegetables, which the Atkins diet just about prohibits. It'll also be a good way for me to get all my vitamins and minerals.

And not be an angry bitch all day too. LOL.

And I was thinking more about my weight and health this morning. I made a conscious decision not to bite my nails anymore as a test of my willpower. I passed that test with flying colors. I made a conscious decision to dedicate myself to growing locs. I've even passed this test even though there have been plenty of times (even just the other day) where I wanted to undo as much as I could of the process. I've committed myself to two major things dealing with me already. Why is it so damn hard to do that with my body? Don't I owe my body more?

Yes I do! So why don't I give my body more? Why don't I give my own body more committment, more dedication, more serious business when it comes to getting healthy and losing this damn weight?

Can't use the excuse that "it's not fair" anymore. Life ain't fair. And if I do recall correctly, it was my choice to stuff those cookies and those huge plates of food into my mouth. I will say that I felt that I was not in complete control at those times but I did have the choice of whether or not to continue with the eating I was doing and I chose to continue so I can't blame anyone but me for that.

Ugh! I'm just ready to get serious and be disciplined about this whole weight-loss thang. I'm tired of not enjoying myself fully because in the middle of my mind, I'm wondering what people see/think when they look at me. I'm tired of walking away from clothes I want to wear 'cause they won't come up over the combination of my thighs and butt (let me not forget that I love my butt though!). I'm tired of having an indentation in my stomach when I take off certain pairs of jeans. I'm tired of thinking about my damn size and my damn weight and all this crap. I'm just tired, tired, tired.

And I'm ready to get this thang going, for real.

Ooooohhhhh, breathe and stop. Breathe. and. stop.

Okay, okay. I've calmed the hell down about it. But I'm serious though. I gotta get this right. I'm already 23 and still struggling with weight problems that were haunting me when I was 10. I have things that I wanna do and places that I wanna go but I'm holding myself back because of my weight. I'm ready to do what I have to do to get this thang right.

*ssssiiiigggghhhh* Aiight. I'm tired of thinking about it for right now. I'm gonna formulate a gameplan and get crackin' on this situation.

I'm out.

the last - the next

The Trees Today - The Trees I've Seent. - Diaryland.


The Last 5 Trees
"Until the end of time, I'll be there for you. You are my heart and mind. I truly adore you." - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2016
"Don't touch what's there...when it's the feelings I wear..." - Saturday, Oct. 08, 2016
"I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter his courts with praise." - Friday, Oct. 07, 2016
"I tried to run it away. Thought then my head'd be feeling clearer...." - Tuesday, Oct. 04, 2016
"Boy, your money and my money? Ain't the same damn kind. I can live your life and my life AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!" - Sunday, Oct. 02, 2016