2004-03-19 - 10:58 a.m.

So how you gon' justify being upset with me 'cause I don't have confidence in your driving NO LESS THAN 15 MINUTES after you damn-near killed us all by attempting to change lanes without looking on the highway, just about formally introducing us to the people in the car that already occupied that lane? Hmm? How you gon' tell me I'm wrong? Eh?

Thought so.

And why do niggas love to play with me? Why come? Why come?!

It's just 'bout the end of The Fair ("be there!"). I'm tired. My feet hurt. I'm having fun though! But still. My mind is just so everywhere right now.

Why you wanna call me now Damian? Why?!?! LOL! Now why you wanna go and do dat nigga, huh? Now, why you wanna go and do dat?

I'll never understand it. I really won't. I get my mind good and clear. Forget niggas ever even existed. And here they come, callin' my damn cell phone... If I wasn't so lazy, I'd change the numba!

But anyway. I hate goin' all the way out to The Fair just to eat one thing! I mean damn! It's The Fair! And it's only $1 to get in! Why I can't eat nothin' but a damn sausage?! Why come? WHY COME?! LOL.

I was so mad at myself! LOL. I wanted to eat an Elephant Ear, a Funnel Cake, some ice cream - SOME KINDA JUNK FOOD! But my stomach wouldn't let me. Oooooh, stomach! What a traitor you are!!! When a female wants you to process food, you won't. Make me sick!

And my people. Why my people can't act right? Why my people gotta fight when The Fair only $1 to get in?! Ya'll can't act up when it's $8. Oh no. Everybody wanna be all peaceful then. But when it's $1, errbody wanna show they tail. Foolishness.

But that fight was a sight to see though. It started with two girls (one of which lost her weave ponytail) then spread out. Became infectious. Me and D ended up right next to a spin-off from the original. And here I am, searching for J, and she up "in the stands" with a ringside seat...

And then, to top it allll off, who do I see? My ex-baby-daddy who damn-near got it, Willis. I hate you Willis! I HATE YOU!!! LOL.

MAKE ME SICK! My momma was mad I saw him though, 'cause in a past life, he was her ex-baby-daddy too. But he too young for her in this life. Too young. Wit his sexy self! Guide-dog!

But I had me a good time last night. I really needed that to take my mind off the guy who got killed. And come to find out, he was straight murdered in an argument that he wasn't even really involved in. Called himself defending his friend. I hope his friend takes a huge role in the raising of the son that is left behind without a father.

I wasn't gonna go by the house at all but I stopped by on the way to the theatre. I just couldn't see all those cars out front and not go in and offer my condolences as well, no matter how hard it was for me. Imagine! I ain't even in the family! So imagine how his brother is feeling.

In all the years I've known that boy, he's never hugged me like he did yesterday. I recently saw him after some years and he ain't even hug me like that then. It hurts me that he's hurting so bad. And what do I say to that, ya know? I just said if he needs anything he knows how to contact me and to tell his mother (who was at the funeral home at the time) that I love her. That's all I could do. And I wish I could have done more.

I don't know if I'ma make it to the funeral. Me and funerals just don't get along. I've been to too many already. I hate saying goodbye. I don't even want a funeral my damn-self. I've explicitly stated that it will be in my will that I have a 5-minute memorial service. Period. I ain't tryna have nobody mourn me. Just let me go. He wanted me to come home so just let me go.

I'm not gonna talk about it anymore. There's nothing anybody can do to bring him back. It's over. I'll just continue to pray for strength for his family.

But yeah, that Damian thang... I tell ya! He really pissed me off calling me like that. And then gon' have the nerve to tell me he thinkin' 'bout moving down here. And gon' get mad 'cause I ain't call him when I was up in NY. I just can't deal with it. Don't want to deal with it. He is unnecessary thought and I don't wanna think about him like that. Ugh!

Why he wanna call me like that?! Damn!

LOL.

And why was the dog all laid up in the bathroom when I went in there in the middle of the night? Chillin' on the rug like that's his room or somethin'. And here I am, standing right on his tail and he ain't sayin' a damn thang. I coulda stepped on him all the way! Ole' fool.

Then, he don't wanna sleep where he normally sleeps. He wanna sleep in my bed with me. So now I gotta be conscious of where my feet are the whole time I'm tryin' to sleep. Him and his old self.

Well, the weekend is here. I'm less confused in this new department I'm working in 'cause they finally decided to show me what to do from beginning to end instead of from end to beginning (like, DUH!). I'll be getting a cute lil' paycheck from the theatre that will cover the cleaning of and CD-player-contribution to my car (WHAT!!!). I'm feeling good. Much better than yesterday 'cause I'm knowing that I just need to be happy that I'm alive, eff the rest!

God is good and job search engines can make ya optimistic. LOL.

Aiight. I'm out.

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