2004-02-17 - 10:49 a.m.

I think it was that piece of chicken. I think that crunchy skin was the last straw. 'Cause as soon as I bit down on that piece of skin, I felt a twinge of pain.

Or maybe it was the pretzels I had earlier in the day at work. Maybe that was why it started shaking.

Whatever the reason, I'm just glad to have it out of my mouth. No more aggravating scratches, no more having to fish out food that's got stuck in there.

The tooth is gone forever! Yay!

I'm glad I have the relationship that I have with pain. Yeah, something might hurt. Don't matter. I'll endure it to get to my ultimate goal.

So, last night, when the tooth started hurting and I realized that the only way to stop the pain would be to extract the tooth, I didn't start crying. I didn't begin to dread the process. I just got up, got me a cup and put some salt and water in it and went to the bathroom to handle my business.

So what I was at work?! I had to do it then or be in pain until I got home. Take out tooth now at work or sit and let it pain you until you go home? I don't have a hard time answering myself to those kinds of questions.

It took a little more pulling than I preferred but in the end, it relented and came the hell out. I haven't been this happy with my mouth in a while! LOL.

I'm wearing my shirt tucked in for the first time in like EVAR today! The results of my getting healthy labors are showing themselves without any forcing from me. My thighs are getting so cute! I can't wait to have scrippuh thighs! And I am too happy to say that they are well on their way.

It's funny with my stomach 'cause I ain't tryna have a six-pack. I ain't even tryin' to have the 4-pack. My goal for my stomach is to kill the overhang. LOL. I don't want my stomach to be its own entity anymore. I want it to be one with the rest of my body. So, that's what I'm doing the crunches for. Already, it has experienced a 10 degree lift so I'm happy about it's progress. One day soon, I won't be able to pick it up anymore.

What else, what else? Yes, yes. My back is looking lovely. More and more lovely everyday, as a matter of fact. That roll is reducing. I really want to be able to wear shirts that expose my back because the skin back there is in really good condition and I think backs are sexy. Soon. Soon.

Saturday, I read half of Cedella Marley-Booker's book about her son, Nesta Robert Marley. It was a good read that opened my eyes to a little more about Bob Marley but I still didn't feel like I got to know who he was much better. It's a shame that he died so young.

But I think my main point in all of this is the fact that I was able to get through half a book while waiting to get my hair finished. Most of it was read in the hour and fifteen minutes I was waiting just to get started on my head. But it's cool. I like the shop and I love how my hair looks and feels by the time I leave so I'll keep going back. I tell you, what a black female has to go through to get her hurr did...

I watched some CRIBS Adventure last night. They had Luda and Ashanti on there. I was mad at Luda for a minute 'cause I didn't even realize the fool was in AFRICA! The focus was on stuntin' so hard that the beautificity of Africa and it's people was completely overshadowed. If not for the little kids in the end, I would not have known whatsoever that they were in Africa. I tell you.

I can't wait to go to Turks though. I really can't. I had a suitemate from there in college. She loved home. Yeah, I can't wait to go there. I don't want to go to a resort though. I want to go and hang with my suitemate's people! LOL.

Tonight is gonna be pretty hectic but I'm looking forward to it. I'm going to see the kids, going to work at the theater/watching an audition and going to a poetry spot.

I really need to live on my own. I feel bad coming home sometimes 'cause I don't want my people to feel like all I'm using the house for is to have a place to sleep, but that's really how it is. I ain't never home. If I am home, I'm getting myself ready to go somewhere or do something... They haven't had a problem with it yet and I hope they don't anytime soon.

I honestly believe that the idea of being smaller than I am right now scares me. I realized it this morning as I was walking into work.

I started to really feel how my clothes are fitting a little looser and started thinking about the way my body is looking smaller and I kinda froze up. I think it's because I've never been small. I've never been at a healthy weight. I don't really know how it feels to not have my thighs rub together. I don't know how it feels to not have my stomach divided by my belt when I sit down. I don't know how it feels to have clothes fit the way they were made to fit.

Are those really the reasons why I'm afraid? Maybe it has something to do with me not wanting anymore attention than I already get. I'm not tryin' to be cocky or nothin' like that, but I mean damn. I got dudes keepin' track of me that I have no idea are keepin' track of me and I can't dress raggedy enough to not get harassed and I'm at a bigger size. I'm not much a fan of attention. I think I'm afraid it will get worse the smaller I get.

Hmmmm... I will not let these fears stop me from doing what I've been doing to lose weight 'cause in the end, I know I'll be more than happy to have lost weight. But still, these are just things that linger in my mind.

Maybe I need to go shopping (since I haven't been in months) so I remember how it feels to have something I want to fit not come over my thighs or be completely stopped by my butt. Maybe that'll motivate me to keep going despite my fears.

"Baby forgive me
For making you wait so long
But please believe that
It's due to my lack of funds"
Rahsaan Patterson, "Where You Are"

I'm gettin' more and more nervous about this trip to NY. I guess it's 'cause we don't have a set itinerary. I only have one destination in all of New York - H&M. LOL. That's terrible. I probably won't even buy a lot of stuff. That's how I get when I go shopping. I just don't hardly buy ish. But I so look forward to going back to that store.

I'm gonna do a whole buncha research and try to find events and stuff for me and the girls to do. We got 5 days to get into waaaay too much trouble so I'll see to it that we make the most of our time in NY.

Okay. I ain't got nothin' else to talk to myself about today so I think this gon' be it. I'm just "waiting for tonight. Oooohhh."

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