2004-01-27 - 10:27 a.m.

"Go as if not aware. Be like those others that presume..."

I confess! I confess!

I am wearing the same pants that I wore last Thursday. Yes I am! No, yes I am!!!

LOL!!!

I'm not a fashion whore. I don't even know how to successfully put together a crute outfit. But I do try and rotate my clothing from week to week. I'll try to put a week's seperation between when I wear a specific item of clothing. Black and blue pants, I have no thoughts of wearing the same pair from week to week. But the gray ones I have on today...yeah. I kinda woulda liked to put some distance between my wearings of them.

Problem is, I damn-near don't have any clean work clothes. My room is...horrendous? Is that a word? LOL!!!

I have a trail of clothing that leads from my dirty clothes hamper all the way to my bed. There might as well be a grown-ass man laying in it's same position as that's what the trail looks like anyway.

A major cleaning is in order for the budoir. Can't be havin' it lookin' like that for the man that comes rap-tapping at my window for a late-night rendesvouz... Yeah right!! LOL!

Naw, for real though. Even though I operate fine and can function with organized chaos, I would still like to have some clarity in my bedroom. There are too many things packed into my space (especially that damn big-ass treadmill!).

I have papers and reports from high school up in there. Those have got to go. I have the second issue ever of XXL and the Tupac and Biggie issues of VIBE. SAT prep books and college info packets. Basically, me in high school combined with me in college exist together in that bedroom. Both of those people are no longer here so it's time for Working Me to have a place to lay her head at night.

Again, a major cleaning is in the works. I watch "Clean Sweep" on TLC with envy! Ahhhh!!!!

I be tryin' to talk to God on my way to work every morning but I can't have a full conversation with him because somebody is cuttin' in traffic and the Yin Yang Twins keep sayin', "So crunk...on the floor, wide open...so much, they call her Billy Ocean roll...like an 18-wheeler..."

I just want to tell them shut up! when they get in my head like that.

I want to take a day and just go out somewhere by some flowing water and just lay down and close my eyes and talk to God for hours. Our conversations be real good too. For real.

I really couldn't imagine being an atheist at this point. Now that I know what it's like, it's just too easy to have a God who comforts me, loves me, cares about me, is my very best friend, carries me when I can't do for myself, makes ways out of no way when I feel like I'm in a bind, walks with me, protects me, holds my hand, dries my tears, talks to me, lets me know he's there and that he cares...

I just can't turn my back on him now that I know he would never turn his back on me. I just can't.

Michael, honestly, I don't know how you're supposed to live without me now that you've been loving me so long. I'm serious! I don't know how you're supposed to liiiiiiive without me or how you are supposed to carry on when all that you've been living for is gone.

Sorry buddy. Can't help you out this time. So stop asking me!

One of my horoscopes said I would be caught in a staring contest with an admirer yesterday. The only man I stared down yesterday was my little dog, Noah. That lil' negro tried to attack me twice. The first time, I damn-near cried. He had me backed all up into a corner saying, "But Noah, it's meeeeee!" Not the second time though. The second time, I'll admit, I did scream at first. But then I stood up like the Incredible Hulk, flexed my arm muscles and said, "Noah! You stop it right now!" and he shut up.

But yeah, back to the whole staring thing. I didn't have nobody to stare at yesterday, so my horoscope was a bit incorrect. LOL.

I was so worried about my car. I kinda just knew I would come outside to go to work and the car would either not be there or one of the windows would be broken. I ain't worried no more. If it happens, it happens. I mean, really. What else can I do?

Why is UPN showing reruns?! I want my Girlfriends!

I kinda know I was a cat in a past life. The way I stretch... And with no shame. At work, in the store, wherever. A full-body stretch. And I yawn a lot of times without covering my mouth even though I know better... If I have to be an animal in another life, I will want to be a cat again.

Maybe that explains why the dog growls at me sometimes...

That Bilal, "You Are", is still ringing in my head...

"I found you wearing satin
The shade of ebony
In the silence of my dreams
You kept me company
On this secluded island
Our bodies seem to meld
Intoxicating
Overwhelming
Intensity, I felt"

Floetry wrote it so it makes sense that I'm in love with the lyrics. It's the way he sings it too though, I can't deny. I just imagine him laying in bed next to the woman he's singing it to. Looking her in the eyes or spooning even. Stroking her hair... That's the way the video would have went if I had done it anyways. LOL.

Which makes me think about something... One of my fantasies is to have the one (the one for me, that is) sitting between my legs as I massage his scalp. Not his temples. No. His scalp. All over where the hair grows. Especially if he were to have locs. Then I'd get my fingers all up inside the roots of the locs, massaging and scratching if he wanted me to. LOL!!

What a weird fantasy, especially considering I don't have many. I used to have a lot but I sat down one day and realized that the fantasies make being single worse so I stopped fantasizing. But this hair fantasy, I don't think that's going anywhere. LOL.

Which takes me back to last night. I was feeling a little something...I can't call it sad or depressed... But I was feeling a little something about being single. It probably was triggered by the fact that I missed the church carnival around the corner from me. The laughter and screams of little children and dating teens could be heard from my porch. I tried to see through the trees to see if they really were having as much fun as it sounded.

I couldn't see through the trees.

I've been too busy the two weeks it was there to go anyway. But still. If there was a man in my life, I would have forced him to go with me. I would have dropped out of car-shopping or skipped a doctor's appointment to go. I would have made a way to get there if there was a man in my life.

I want to do the kiddie stuff, the crazy stuff, the extraordinary stuff but my friends aren't as crazy or nosy as me. LOL. So I can't force them to go. But I could have forced the one to go.

Alas, he is not here right now. Has yet to check into this hotel. I don't even know if he's gotten on the plane.

But I will not be impatient for his arrival. I will wait on him, my dear, even if it takes a thousand years. (Mayn, I love me some Raphael Saadiq.) I don't want to anticipate and expect, I just want to receive. Expectation is the mother of all disappointment.

Food is a drug. My aunt sounded like a crackhead when she talked about being on LA Weight Loss. She said, "I need help 'cause I know I can't do this (losing weight) by myself." It's exactly how I feel sometimes.

I know I lean on food. I'm a classic emotional eater. Any jarring of my emotions makes me pick up something to eat. I eat it and I feel some relief. I don't know why that happens, why human beings do that. But it works.

I dream of reaching for the dumbell instead of reaching for the doughnut when I get upset or even happy. One day I'll learn how to do that.

Anyway. I'm out for now. Wish I had me a CD player so I could listen to Bilal over and over and over right now. Maxwell too. I just love a "Embrya"!

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