2004-01-23 - 9:42 a.m.

Today, I'm good...

Probably because I took some time out to enjoy myself. Always a good thing. But now my eyes are RED 'cause I ain't get much sleep...

And they hurt. Whoo, goodness.

I'ma rent this car for one more week to give myself a little more time to find something. AT first, my goal was this weekend. That has been unsuccessful. So, I'm just gonna take my time this weekend and go to a few different places and see what I can find.

Again, I know everything will work out.

Going out last night really did make me feel better. The first thing I thought about this morning did not have anything to do with getting a car...a definite improvement.

We went to the poetry spot last night. I acted shady towards someone on purpose...

I don't really like doing that 'cause I sho'll can't stand shadiness. I just... I don't know. I didn't know how he would act and I didn't want to take the chance on him acting all siddidy so I just acted like I didn't see him even though he was staring at me the majority of the night. Thank goodness he's tall 'cause I can easily say he's so tall, I didn't look up there so I ain't know it was him. But I can't really say that I didn't see him everytime I turned to speak with my girls 'cause he was sitting right behind us the whole time so if I saw him, I know he saw me. Especially that one time when one of the girls turned and spoke to him and I was sitting right next to her...

But hey! This ain't all gon' be on me! No sirree! A nigga got a mouth too!

I still feel bad about my part in the shadiness but I don't think he's ever gonna say anything about it so, even though it was wrong, I'm gonna leave it the way it is.

Hmph.

There was a poet there who Miss Pooh is in love with 'cause he's close to her height and all fine and sexy (just waaaay too Metrosexual for me...). She ain't never wanna approach him though.

I thought I recognized him from an event I worked at during my internship last year (I still think it's him. I think he was just embarassed about the event so he denied it.). I used that as a way to break the ice. Miss Pooh was still hesitating but, after the blitz (me, D and J triple-teamed her), she scored a touchdown and struck up a conversation.

I was so happy for her!!!! I love it when people have a fantasy and get to have that fantasy fulfilled in some way. Sometimes, it's better to leave the fantasy as a fantasy... Yeah, that might be true. But to me, if you can experience it, go right on ahead and experience it. No matter what the outcome. Then, at least, you won't be sitting years down the road wondering, "What if?".

So yeah, that made my whole night. Really, the treatment we got throughout the evening and Miss Pooh's 2-point conversion made my whole night. Yeah, I had a good time.

Then, me, D and J stopped by and saw me and J's boy Phil. He is such a sweetie. Just a lil' misguided. LOL! He's a nigga with ambition, it's just misplaced. He aspires to get his $1300 chain out of layaway by Valentine's day instead of, you know, using that kind of money to pay off his debts and get out his momma's house.

Which brings me to this: Young black males need to be specifically taught the concept of banking. Like, what a bank is. How to use it. Like, explained to them that you can put your money there and take it out when you want. Like, it's good to have money in the bank so if you come upon an emergency, you have a resource. Like, banking can help you establish credit - something that is absolutely necessary to have in America if you want to have a house, a car, a life, etc...

This needs to be done in high school. Like, for real. It needs to be part of the curriculum. Economics is still taught, I think (my school wasn't regular so I don't really know what is still being taught). But in my college economics classes, we learned curves and all this other worthless crap. Economics needs to be about how to keep the money you get.

I know SO MANY PEOPLE who do not have a bank account. Huh? Washington Mutual is FREE. Let me rephrase that: WASHINGTON MUTUAL IS FREE DAMMIT!

There is no excuse to not have a bank account anymore. Yet and still, many like my man Phil are walking around here with no kind of bank account in sight. No kind of checking, so forget a savings... Oh, my people...

I'm gonna do what I can to help the ones coming up, that's all I know.

Awww man. I gotta talk about one of the poets from last night. Actually, it was the dude I was being shady with. LOL!!!

He did an erotic poem which is not really his thing 'cause his voice is so strong, it only really sounds right when he's doing some kind of serious piece about politics or love. But, yeah, he did an erotic poem last night. Where we were sitting, we ended up RIGHT in front of him. I mean, it looked like we had gone to his house and sat down in his living room and he was standing before us, showing us his new piece.

The only thing that saved me was he had to read it from paper (which he never does) because he had just written it. So, he started reading. I try not to show any emotion when he's reading but damn!

DAMN!

That piece he did last night?!?! Just off the chain. That's all you can really say. It was just really off glass. Period.

One part was so good, me and J were screaming "Rewind!!!", so he stopped and said that part again. The next line after that completely killed every woman in the house. I can't even remember what it was 'cause my mind is all locked up on one other part he said ("for dessert, i'll put my hands up on the wall..."). He was just too good last night. I was hootin' and hollerin' like a fool.

LOL.

It's just funny to me 'cause I used to like him. I ain't even know why, I just did. There was just something about him... I just now realized that I still kinda do like him if I'm sittin' up here chit-chattin' away about him. But that's for me to know and nobody else to find out, "thankyou,goodnight". Even when I see him on HBO in a few months (for real), I won't say nothin' to nobody that'll make it seem like I still have any interest in him. It was fun and still kinda is to like him on the downlow.

"Nobody has to know..."

I happened to catch my eyes when I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and remembered a time when all I could think about was some man loving me. That's all that concerned me, all I wanted. Some man to love me.

It ain't like that no more. Not that I don't want no man loving me. Just that I'm so in love with myself that having a man to love me isn't something that is driving my life. I'm not choosing paths and stuff just to get me a man. I'm living my life all for me right now. And that feels so different than what I thought it would. I do not feel lonely. I ain't sad. I ain't achin'. I ain't "officially missin'" nothin' right now. I'm not saying that I would turn away a prospect, I'm just saying that I ain't missin' a damn thang right about now.

Go me! LOL!!!!!

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