2004-01-21 - 1:52 p.m.

It's Humpday in the city. Halfway through a week I would be so happy to have over...

Naw, I don't really mean that. I just mean that I am ready for the stress to be over.

Honestly, it's times like these where I kinda wish I was experiencing the turmoil of a dramatic relationship 'cause then, at least, I'd have something to make the trivial things that are stressing me out really seem like small stuff.

When a person is in a dramatic relationship, they often overlook the fact that their bills aren't paid, they ain't got no food to eat, no gas in the car, their lights are off...anything that would normally cause them to be greatly stressed. Their main concern is the fixing of their relationship. Everything else is of no consequence until that relationship is back in working order.

Being that I've never really been in a dramatic relationship, I don't know how much pain and suffering is involved, therefore it is easy for me to say that I kinda wish I was in something like that rather than just dealing with this whole car situation. I bet if I had ever really been in a dramatic relationship, I wouldn't even be kinda wishing that I was...

I went to bed before 8:00pm last night. I just had the biggest stress headache. I used to get real stressed out because of my first car. It was 3 years older than me at the time. That car was constantly not starting or something needed to be fixed. Everything all the time. That car stressed me out so bad I had to be put on a heart monitor.

It's funny when I look back on it 'cause I can't believe I let myself get so worked up over a car. Actually, so worked up over the money I was spending on the car. But that's the way it is, ya know? In the real world, you gotta pay to fix things. I just ain't ready for the freakin' real world.

Back to last night. I went and picked up the police report after work. We were waiting on it to find out what insurance company the guy who hit me had. The police report said that he didn't have insurance. My heart sank.

All this time, we were depending on the guy having insurance. We just knew he did. The incident report given to us that night said that he got a ticket for not having proof of insurance but to me, that didn't mean he didn't have insurance. In Florida, if you ain't got insurance, you're supposed to get arrested if caught driving. The fact that he didn't get arrested made me believe he had insurance.

So, when I saw "no insurance", I just got all kinds of depressed. Just for a minute though. But I was just upset because, if true, in my mind this meant that I would be going on this car purchasing journey all alone. No down payment 'cause I can't really afford it... No this, no that. Oh, poor me.

But I hate feeling or even thinking like that. I really do. But sometimes, I just need to allow myself to get it out. So I let myself go through that for about 30 seconds and then I buc'd up.

I know there are millions of people who have to take care of themselves and big responsibilities like a place to live and a car to drive and all that from jump. Kids who have to do those kinds of things...

I guess I just got so comfortable in my role of finally being taken care of after the way I grew up. Not until 15 was my family anywhere near financially secure. I've been steadily working since the age of 12 (my first paying job - I'm talking actual paycheck with my name on it - was an acting job at 9). Paying bills, buying groceries and all.

It wasn't until 15 that I didn't have to really worry about whether or not bills were gonna be paid and food was gonna be in the house. At 15, I got a bunch of real towels that were mine and mine only. This ain't a big deal to people who've had warm fluffy towels at their disposal all their lives but to me, who had to use one hole-y see-through towel for weeks at a time, it was like gettin' Versace sheets or something. (I still have most of those same towels to this day and one of my pleasures is buying towels. LOL!)

But for real. I'm starting to know some anger in this situation. Up until this point, I hadn't really been angry about the situation 'cause I trust God and I know this happened for a reason and I know everything will work out.

But still. If the man who hit me doesn't have insurance, I'ma be assed out. I don't get no compensation for the time I had to take off of work or the rental car I had to get. He gets to walk away with no kind of penalty. His only care is fixing his own car (which was hardly damaged). That shit will make me very upset if it turns out he doesn't have insurance. Mad like, I wanna go to his house ('cause the police report does list his address) and burn the shit down. Bust out all the windows. Even blow up the car! That's the kinda mad I'ma be if that fool didn't have insurance at the time that he hit me.

I don't necessarily need whatever money I would have gotten from a lawsuit from him but I ain't tryna have my already sky-high insurance goin' up any further (which the insurance company has said they will have to do if he didn't have insurance because they basically have to recoup the money they paid out for the car). Whatever money I would have gotten, I basically would have put towards the car I'm getting anyway. I wasn't tryna use this situation to profit from it. I was just tryna secure me a car and keep it moving.

I will seriously consider tearing his house up if he makes me be assed out in this situation though. Like, for real.

But back to me being taken care of and having no real responsibilities. I know I can take care of myself. I did it for quite some time and am still doing it. The only bill I don't really have is a mortgage. Other than that, trust I am paying some serious billage. Paying bills doesn't worry me as long as I know I had a hand in what I'm paying for.

I'm just saying, that car was given to me as a gift. That car, to me, meant at least 5 years of free transportation. I've been paying car insurance since I was driving my mother's car in high school anyway, so that didn't too much concern me. But having a car payment shakes me all up. I just don't like the idea of having a car payment. It makes me nervous.

It ain't like I can't afford it. I can easily pay a monthly car payment and still pay my bills and still save. But still! I wasn't supposed to have to do that.

That man took that away from me. Old bastard!

LOL!

Okay, I'ma stop being a baby, fa real.

But let me get back to last night.

I had a headache OUT OF THIS WORLD! And it wasn't just a mental headache. Any move I made, my head was HURTING. I just don't deal very well with monetary stress.

So, I laid down and attempted to sleep the headache away. I got a few minutes in and then J called me, screaming about a phenomenon which she coined which has proven itself to be true time and time again. It had come true once again and had hyped her up so much that she was screaming into the phone. My head was still hurting but laughing at her made me feel better. She talked to me for a long time and then hung up.

I attempted to go back to sleep and then in came my mother to tell me American Idol was on. I wasn't even tryna see nobody on no television screen. I went back to sleep to try to escape the throbbing in my head. (I just found out that I did miss America's Next Top Model and I am hurt but, hopefully, just like last week, it'll come on tonight.)

Not much later, J called again...

It's like I could almost hear the Lord saying, "Girl, don't give into this stress. Don't let it overtake you. I won't let you wallow in your own pity."

I didn't get out of bed and get up and do anything but I didn't get pure rest either. And that made me realize that I cannot allow myself to be all bent out of shape about this situation. Yeah, I have a right to be upset about it but I don't have the right to let it stop my happiness.

Just read my horoscope for today:

"Despite your advantages, you're in the same boat as everyone else. Look forward with hope even as you put your back into the immediate task of rowing. Hard labor for a common cause is deeply satisfying."

How appropriate. LOL!

I'm just gonna take the satisfaction of taking on an adult responsibility. It was gonna have to be done sooner or later. Sooner was just the way it was meant to be. Besides, having some real credit established never hurt nobody...nobody who paid their bill on time, anyway.

I've been on the phone with dealers and, hopefully, when I go out looking today, things will work out. Or at least I'll get some good offers. There are so many factors involved and so many tricks to remember to avoid... I've been praying about it and I have faith that things will work out for the best so I will just continue to hold on to that.

By the way, I'm considering (seriously) doing the Atkins diet.

I am very much a fan of ground beef, hot dogs (yeah baby! LOL!) and chicken...

But damn if I ain't in love with bread and cookies...

Oh, let me shut up. I just need to get back into getting on that treadmill and doing my crunches. That accident threw me all off track. I need the chance to relieve this tension and do something that makes me feel more relaxed when I'm done.

I remember the first few times I was on the treadmill... I was sweating so much, the sweat was dripping from my chin. It was disgusting. But the more I did it, the more I looked for that sweat. So, I'll keep right on sweating, if I don't mind. LOL.

Aiight, enough...

Finally.

the last - the next