2004-01-20 - 4:19 p.m.

1-20-04

I am soooo tired! And it really ain't even funny this time!

Today, I went to a Credit Union to get a loan so I can go ahead and get me a car...

Wait, let me back it up. So yesterday, I got home from work/seeing the chiro, put on my clothes, then headed right back out the door to go to a Honda dealership.

Why were my mom and I in that dealership for 4 hours?! I saw a car I would have liked to get and the deal was extra sweet but I was just not comfortable in that car. When I sat down in it, the car didn't feel like me. So, I'm not gonna get it.

Those people can really screw people over if people go in there not knowing what they're talking about. Which was not the case with my mother and I, hence us being up in that mugg for four hours!

I worked them down to $11,100 for a 2001 Honda Civic LX. Not $11,100 for the car. This was $11,100 for everything - the car, tags, title, taxes... Everything. Which is a HELL of a deal.

I just was not impressed with the car and I can't see myself paying a monthly payment on a car that I am not really feeling. So, I left that baby on the lot and I will be calling today to cancel the hold I have on it.

Okay, back to today. So, I went to my bank and was told that their interest rates were around 8% and 9%. They are crazy. Period.

So, then I headed down to my mom's Credit Union. I got approved for a loan for 6.49%, which is still higher than I'm interested in paying but I had to realize that there are many factors that play into what kind of interest rates I qualify for.

I got approved for a $15,000 car loan, which is all fine and dandy. But I ain't tryna be payin' back no $15,000 to nobody at this point. So, I'm still gon' be workin' hard for a deal somewhere. I ain't givin' up yet.

I ain't got no damn choice. I be out in the streets too damn much to not have a car. (My neighbor told me I must be gettin' paid for the amount of hours I spend out on the weekend. LOL!)

I was sitting in the loan officer's office and I started to feel tension all up in my head (made worse by the fact that I had not eaten all day and the process was taking FOREVER) and my neck. I started to get stressed just that quick. Talk of debt really gets me all bent out of shape...

Then, I remembered. I just closed my eyes and said, "Lord, I know it's gonna be alright." and again, I felt better. I still have some tension in my neck but it's nothing that a good massage won't fix.

...which wouldn't be a problem if I had an on-call masseuse at my service. Which I don't. And the chiro doesn't count...

So, I need me a nap. A good one. A real good one.

I'm thinking maybe I won't go see the kids today. I know they help to get me in a good mood when I'm in a bad mood but... Okay, so maybe I will go see the kids today. LOL.

We'll see.

I'll always remember this birthday 'cause it was so serious. Now that I think about it, a celebration does make it feel different. I think this all has to do with the fact that my job was the only place open in the United States of America yesterday. LOL @ that big ole lie! But still! I would have loved to have been home on a day like yesterday.

My dream right about now? Like, right this minute? To go to a park and lay in the grass and just breathe. Just lay under the sun and just breathe and not even think. Not even give myself the opportunity to wonder or question or worry. Just lay there and let the sun warm my face, feel the breeze flow over my body, let the bugs run free across my limbs. Everything undisturbed.

Everything.

Undisturbed.

On another note, I felt bad for Coral. I knew she didn't just go out like a sucka for no reason. I can't believe they showed her damn-near lifeless body all up on the television like that. And a spider bite?! I never would have guessed that. Homegirl coulda straight died and Nathan up there whinin' like a lil' bia bia.

If the girl got bit by a spider, trust, it wasn't never meant for Real World to win that challenge.

I hate touching onions. The smell never seems to leave my fingertips.

Speaking of... Ain't it funny that body odor can smell exactly like an actual onion?

And the dreams I had this morning ('cause I didn't really get to sleep 'till after midnight) were very weird...

There was this white girl named Brianna in a house down the street from me. Me and a few other people had retreated into the house because a stampede of female high school students were headed down the street and we couldn't get out of the way fast enough. So yeah, we straight walked up in this lady's open house (doors, windows, everything was open).

Back to Brianna...I mention that she is white because, in my dream, she had a short afro when, in reality, she really has long curly hair. Her hair looked just like my afro looked before I started locing up my hair. Hers had burnt orange ends but the roots were black... Weird.

She was letting the lady whose house we had bumrushed wax her ass. Yes, that's what I said. The lady was waxing her two buttocks. But the thing was, Brianna had on a pair of leopard underwair (bikini cut) and black stockings...

...while the lady was waxing her butt... So, by the time the lady "finished", Brianna was asking us how it looked but nobody could really comment because we couldn't see through the black stockings and leopard print draws to give her any real feedback. She couldn't even tell herself! So, she ran out of the house in pursuit of somebody, anybody, who could tell her if the lady had given her ass a good waxing.

Weird.

Different groups of young black guys were going up to white boys and sticking loaded guns in their faces while people watched... One of the white guys was so shook up that I yelled at him, "Man, you better breathe!"..

Fritz was begging me to call him amidst the holdups. I punched him in the arm and yelled at him for not calling me but having the nerve to beg me to call him...

There was a brand new Toyota Echo in electric blue that I couldn't take my eyes off of just sitting under a tree nearby...

Weird. I have some weird dreams for real! LOL.

As the day is going and I'm realizing that I have to go to the other side of the world to pick up the police report from the accident and I probably have to go to the actual dealership to cancel the hold and I need to do this and I need to do that, I don't think I'ma see the kids today.

I really can't stand to disappoint them but I also don't wanna take the chance and get there and have a baby throw all up on me or a little child step on my foot and I go crazy on them. Not that I've ever done that but, then again, I've never really gone there completely stressed out.

Not that I'm completely stressed out right now but, who knows, the way I'm feeling, anything could be a trigger. And like I said, I don't really feel comfortable taking that chance.

So I think I'm just gonna handle my business and take my tail on home. My bed loves me anyway.

Ooooh, I love to ramble on here. I really do. It just feels so good to reach up and snatch one of those random thoughts running around in my head like Bebe's kids and get it in print...

I am still lovin' my CD. It's all about men being in love with women. (Except that D'Angelo song I let slip on there. "The Root"... But it ain't like he sayin' he hates her or anything. She just put a bad spell on him.)

When I thought I was gonna break down on the way to work from the stress of all this talk about owing money, I let 3T make me believe that they would give me "Anything" I want. I let whichever one of them was singing let me believe that it was me he wished was there with him so he could hold me tight...

And then you know Chauncey from Blackstreet was tellin' me I was his "Joy" so all was right with the world. LOL! He said to me, "You got me where you want me baby! Yeah! Girl, you're my joy..."

I was ridin' out like, "I know boo. I know." LOL!!!!

If the people making these songs could see and hear me talkin' back to them, I think they'd just stop making music.

Ooooh, my head is bothering me right about now.

Everything is working itself out right before my eyes...

the last - the next