2004-01-19 - 9:19 a.m.

1-19-04

My birthday.

Today is my birthday (23) and I'm at work. Oh, sucky, sucky! LOL.

But at least my weekend was good enough where not being able to celebrate my birthday today is not gonna kill me.

Celebrating the birthday is not so important to me anymore anyway. I'm just happy to have seen another year of life and have the chance to start a new one.

God is good all the time and I thank him that he has allowed me to live the life that I have led and that he promises that, as long as I love and trust him, I will live a life beyond any expectations I could even think to conjure up.

My favorite television preacher said last night that a lot of times, people are upset with God because they may have lost something. They may have lost someone to death or their home may have burned down to the ground. Joel Osteen said that instead of being angry with God and basically cursing him because of the things we've lost, we better thank him for his goodness. His goodness meaning that we did not lose it all.

If I am still living, then I cannot complain.

I'm thisclose to getting a car. I've decided on a Honda Civic LX. I loved my Toyota Echo like it was a living child of mine but I don't believe that car was destroyed just for me to go get another Echo. I ain't tryna get no luxury car 'cause I ain't making no luxury money. I am just fine with getting me a Honda and keeping it moving.

I took my mother along with me yesterday as I went to look for cars. I found some very good deals that, had I been alone, I probably would have taken up. That's why I took good ole momma with me. She's a natural born haggler, deal-maker, manipulator. LOL! She helped keep me level-headed so that I didn't jump head-first into a shallow pool and get me a car that I didn't need (i.e. a new car) for a price that I wasn't looking for (i.e. $10k+).

I'm going to one last place today to look at a car that I saw online. This whole idea of me getting a car all by myself is still making me a little nervous but I know that everything will work out for the best. I have Faith that it will.

Which brings me to...my tattoo(s).

I've been wanting tattoos since the age of 12. It's just something about getting a tattoo that has always intrigued me. The process itself, the permanency, the symbolism. I have wanted to utilize this form of expression for so long but I just haven't had the right opportunity or enough nerve to do so yet.

Even this year, I told J I was gonna get my tattoo on my birthday. Well, that day is today and, even though I want to, getting a car is more important than being tatted up this evening. So, I have to wait.

Waiting turns into going years without getting one and, at this point, I'm beginning to feel like I really need it. I feel like there's something missing in my life because I do not have the tattoo that I want to get.

What do I want to get? Simply, the word "Faith" on my upper right shoulder. At first, I wanted something that symbolized "Faith" because I didn't want anybody walking up behind me to be able to know what I had on my body. I wanted a tattoo that would mean something to only me.

But now, I feel like I just want that word on my back. The word itself symbolizes so much more than it's meaning to me so just because someone can read it doesn't mean they know exactly everything it signifies.

And what's funny is that I always wanted something else. Now, I can't even remember what it was that I wanted because what I want to get now is all I want to get. It's my first concern in regards to getting a tattoo.

The thing is, the place I'll be going to, their permanent promotion is that you buy one tattoo, get one free. So me, always being one for a deal, I'm willing to get both of those tattoos at the same time. The other would be one of the symbols for Capricorn. I'm not exactly sure which one yet but I'm sure I'll be able to make up my mind by the time I get to the shop. That one is gonna be on the back of my left hip. That's where I want it.

Oh, just talkin' about it is gettin' me nervous. That's the problem! If I sit and think about it too much, I end up questioning the whole thing! I'm not gonna think about it anymore 'till I'm in the shop.

End of that discussion. LOL.

Yesterday, my mother requested that we stop by the cemetery to visit her father's grave. We usually only go on some holidays and his birthday but yesterday, she just felt like going.

I don't like going to cemeteries because I feel like, once the person is dead, they are gone. That body is not that person. It is only the shell that person was using while they were on earth. I don't feel like I have to go visit a box of bones to feel like I'm still connected to my loved one. I don't use that as comfort.

So, usually, I put up a fuss about going to the cemetery and being there but I saw in her eyes that maybe she just needed to go there to get a little peace however she would. So, without discussion, I took her. I got out with her but I didn't hang around Grandaddy's grave. I busied myself with throwing away trash.

And Grandaddy played with me while I did that. I put a flower bag down in the trash and that thang came right back up out the trash can and flew across the cemetery to another garbage can on the other side. I just stared at it as it rolled and rolled, with a kinda smile on my face 'cause I knew it was Grandaddy playing with me. I miss him but things like that help me not to be so sad that he's gone.

Sometimes, if there's something I want to do that I know I shouldn't do but really really want to do, I won't do it because I feel like Grandaddy and others are looking down on me with frowned faces.

Then again, sometimes I realize that I'm sure they did their share of dirt. LOL.

Aiight.

* singin' "And it's so amazing, amazing. Love brought us together, together. I will leave you never, no never, 'cause we've got amazing love..." *

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