TheForest.Diaryland.Com

"Just pick up the phone and then you can dial my number baby!"

2004-01-16 - 1:30 p.m.

My father's wife just called me. It's funny 'cause they think my birthday is today so they're all saying "Happy Birthday" when my birthday is really on Monday. I just don't have the heart to correct them.

I didn't answer the phone when she called. I knew it was her calling. My father told me she would call me this afternoon so, when I saw an unidentified call coming through, I knew it was her so I didn't answer.

Oh shush! LOL. First of all, I'm at work. I can't very well be sittin' up at my desk, chit-chattin' away on the phone. I already had to go hide in the bathroom this morning to talk to my father and sister.

Second of all, I just don't want to talk to her. Not that I'm upset with her or anything. In fact, when I met her, she was afraid that I was gonna blow up on her 'cause she thought that maybe I blamed her for my father not being in my life.

So not the case. He is a grown man and makes his own decisions. He decided to move back to Africa and not keep in contact with me. Point blank, period. I have no animosity towards her.

Nevertheless, I just don't want to speak with her. Maybe later on this afternoon when I'm not at work or something. But as of right now? The desire is just not strong enough in me to speak with her.

I didn't even want to speak to him. I thought it was my mother calling my cell phone, and that's the way I answered. I was shocked to hear his voice on the other end. I just did not want to speak to him. Still don't. I just don't have much to say to him.

He told me that my relatives over there all call me by the name Rashida. That's weird to me. Just to think that there are people on the other side of the world who are thinking of me as a female named Rashida when my name is quite the opposite of that. Basically, when black people meet me, I usually get, "A black girl named *****?!?!"

I can't even imagine being a Rashida. I've been an ***** all my life and that's who I know how to be. I don't even know how to be a Rashida. How is a Rashida anyway?! LOL!!!

I am so sweepy... I only got 4 hours of sleep last night. I haven't done that in a month of Sundays - gone on so little sleep. I am TI-YUHD! But I'll make it. If my fo'-head ain't hit the keyboard yet, I'll make it through the rest of the day. I'll just be a'yawnin' and rubbing my eyes 'till I leave though.

My little sister's voice... It just made me wish I knew her. It made me wish I was there to see her and my even younger sister grow up. What's bad is that I didn't even know they existed until they were past the toddler stage. Or maybe that was the first one. The second one, I happened to see her in a photo or something like that. Or he called my mom and casually mentioned the second girl as if we should have known he had two kids.

I used to get upset just thinkin' about the way I grew up because he wasn't anywhere in the picture. I remember I wrote a letter fussing him out that I wanted my mother to send to him but she never did. That was when I was around ten or eleven and I couldn't have a birthday party because we couldn't afford it.

But then I think about it: If I didn't grow up the way I did, I wouldn't have lived the life I've lived. And I love my life. With all the whatever that I experienced - joy, pain, love, hurt - whatever. I have enjoyed my life. If he had stayed or even been around, who knows how my life would have gone. So, I ain't worried about it.

Shoot, I'm just happy to be here, on this earth, in this life. Each day, a blessing, a lesson.

the last - the next

The Trees Today - The Trees I've Seent. - Diaryland.


The Last 5 Trees
"Until the end of time, I'll be there for you. You are my heart and mind. I truly adore you." - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2016
"Don't touch what's there...when it's the feelings I wear..." - Saturday, Oct. 08, 2016
"I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter his courts with praise." - Friday, Oct. 07, 2016
"I tried to run it away. Thought then my head'd be feeling clearer...." - Tuesday, Oct. 04, 2016
"Boy, your money and my money? Ain't the same damn kind. I can live your life and my life AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!" - Sunday, Oct. 02, 2016